Dear Dan,
It's so unfair, you know that? How we have to be so careful around each other to make sure people don't think we're dating. It's so unfair how I can't hug you in public without a million people taking screenshots or pictures and comment "oooooh Phan!!!!" It's so unfair that we can't have any privacy.
Let's be honest Dan, we're more than friends. Both me and you know it. We're not just best friends. We're not friends with benefits, either. We're Dan and Phil. And everyone knows that Dan and Phil are in love.
But you know what really sucks? We can't admit that we're in love to each other or the world because everyone will blow it out of proportion or make a huge deal out of it. It'll just be weird too. I don't want to do Couples Q&A videos or sappy tumblr tags and neither do you. So that's why we just keep it in.
We bottle it up. Don't think I can't see your 'heart eyes howell.' It's impossible to hide Dan, the way you stare at me as we're filming. But you know what? I don't mind it. I love it when you look at me with such admiration shining in your beautiful brown eyes. It makes me feel special. It makes me feel like theres someone in the world who knows me the way you do. Someone who loves me, not because I'm a famous YouTuber. But someone who's seen me at my worst (usually when I'm sleep deprived or hungry) and my best. Not just on the screen, you know the real me. The real me is a little bit screwed up, but your heart eyes prove you love me.
Of course I can't say that to you. Or to anyone, for that matter.
Dan, I love the little things you do. The way you act all annoyed but will wash the dishes for me when I'm sick or bring me coffee when I've been up all night. No-one knows that side of Dan Howell. Relatable? Sure. Real? Definitely.
At this point I'm just scribbling random stuff down, not even making sense or having a continual plot line to what I'm writing.
But you know what? Who cares? This letter-these words- are all the things I want to say. All the things I can't say.
I love you Dan Howell. I'm tired of pretending that I don't.
Love,
Phil
