i had a kind of crappy day, sorry for this sad oneshot
Phil couldn't remember the last time he was happy. No, that was a lie, he does remember. The last time he was really, truly happy was the last summer he'd spent with Dan. How carefree that hot summer was. It was almost like all the problems that had once pulled Phil down, had simply vanished. Phil longed for those days, sitting in the gazebo, just talking. Joking. Laughing, something Phil hadn't done for countless days.
He never told Dan of his issues, he didn't want to weigh Dan down too. They weren't Dan's worries, they were Phil's. Dan was innocent, happy, Phil wanted nothing less than to damage those pure qualities.
"I'm glad you had such a good day, love," Phil had whispered, he didn't want to wake up his parents for fear they would get mad he was still awake, skyping Dan at this hour.
"Yeah," Dan beamed, and fiddled with his curly fringe. "How are you?"
Phil bit the edge of his lip, and took a subtle quivering breath before plastering a smile on his lips. "It was good, nothing much to report."
Lies.
They were all lies. Phil had just about the shittiest day ever. But seeing Dan had calmed him down, and he wasn't about to worry Dan and ruin Dan's fantastic day.
"That's good," Dan had said, skeptically. He didn't quite believe Phil. After the long summer he'd spent with the black haired boy, he knew when something got him down. "You don't smile as bright anymore."
"What do you mean, bear?" Phil asks, feigning innocence.
"I miss it when you smiled with your eyes," Dan had gone on, wistfully. "Your eyes used to light up, vibrant blue, when you smiled. Last summer. Now, they kind of look dull and stoic, even if your lips are turned into a smile."
Phil had gave Dan a hurt look. "Are you saying I've become dull?" Those words tugged at Phil's heart. The thought of Dan, his Dan, calling him dull pinched at him.
"No, no, no," Dan rushed to cover up his words. "That's not what I meant, Philly. Of course you're not dull. I'm just saying, you don't look genuinely happy anymore. What's wrong?"
Phil bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. "Nothing...nothing is wrong Danny, I'm okay. I promise."
"You're lying," Dan had murmured, his voice tender but felt sharp to Phil.
"I'm not," Phil had insisted, foolishly.
"You can talk to me Phil, I'll listen. Remember our days in the gazebo, I listened then, I can and will listen now. I can help, all that's left is for you to talk."
Hurt flawed all over Phil's features. "Dan, it's not that easy..."
"Yes it is," Dan coaxed, trying to urge his boyfriend to open up. He didn't like seeing Phil upset, it in turn made him upset.
"You don't understand Dan. I have problems that I can't tell you, I'm not letting my innocent little angel to be hurt by my own mess. I can deal with it alone."
"But I don't want you to deal with it alone!" Dan practically cried in despair.
Phil looked away. He had tried to keep his depression away from Dan, but only made Dan more upset. He spilled his messy life into Dan's neat perfect one. That shouldn't happen, Phil had thought, that can't happen. He cared too much about Dan, Dan could soar if Phil wasn't weighing him down.
"I...I think I should go now Dan," Phil muttered, trying to keep his voice from wavering with the tears choked up in his throat. "I-I love you."
In two words, Dan shattered Phil's heart beyond repair. "Do you?" Dan's voice was soft, scared, and heartbroken. No traces of bitterness or rudeness, just grief.
Phil's eyes widened as Dan hung up the call.
Phil tried so hard. He tried to keep his problems away from Dan. but only drove Dan away from him. He tried to please his father, but could never do it correctly. He tried to please his mother, but she just wouldn't listen to him.
For awhile, Dan, his everything, was the only thing keeping Phil going. His little ball of happiness and energy, always smiling and bringing people up. But now? Phil had lost that too. Phil couldn't seem to do anything right.
He stood over the bridge, under the dark night sky, the wind whipping over his hair.
Dan was going somewhere, he was going to make the world a better place.
Phil only pushed everyone away, no one needs someone as broken and useless as that.
Dan, his angel, was going to fly a long way someday. Phil was only going to sink.
But then something amazing happened, as Phil jumped off the edge, he finally flew.
