"Dan committed suicide Phil, I'm so sorry."
With those words, Phil could feel his world shattering right in front of him. He couldn't believe it...he refused to believe it. Dan had broke his heart only two days ago, but at least he was still alive. No way, there was honestly no way Dan was dead.
"You're lying..." whispered Phil, backing away from his mother. His blue eyes were wide with fear, shock and confusion. He keeps backing up until his back hits the back of the sofa. He closes his eyes as a lone tears escapes his eyes, dripping down his cheek. "You're lying."
"Oh Phil," his mother says, sympathetically. She reaches to hug Phil but Phil pulls away. He bolts out the front door, running in the directions of Dan's house.
"No," he repeated, as he ran. "No, no,no, no!"
He skidded to a stop in front of Dan's house. The police were there, Dan's father in handcuffs. Confusion and anger whirled around in Phil's mind. Dan's father did something to him, what did Dan's father do??
He pushed past police to get inside until one caught him. "You can't be in here, son."
"No! You don't understand! I'm in love with Dan Howell! I have to see him, PLEASE!"
The police sighed. "Relationship to Dan?"
"Best friend...boyfriend." He winced, bracing himself for hateful comments. However, the officer didn't have a facial expression change.
"I suppose you can go in."
"THANK YOU!" Phil said as he ran inside.
When he burst through Dan's bedroom, the body was still there.
"No," Phil whispered as he sinks to the floor. He pulls Dan's limp body close to him, searching for a pulse, desperately. "Please Dan, please. You didn't do this, how could you do this?"
Tears were flooding down his face as he hugged Dan's body close to him. "Dan, wake up. Dan, please, I need you. I love you!"
"He's gone, sweetheart." said a medic, inside the room.
"He's not, I don't believe you. He's still here...BRING HIM BACK!!" Phil sobbed, his body shaking as he held Dan. "Bring...him...back..."
***
Phil sat on his bed, feeling numb and all out of tears. His cheeks were tear-stained and his eyes were swollen. He had his knees tucked to his chest, his arms wrapped around his knees.
The letter that Dan had written him was next to him, unopened. He couldn't bring himself to open it.
Every emotion was whirling inside Phil's body.
Pain: Dan was dead. Dan had killed himself. Phil had no more Dan, no more true love. He was gone.
Confusion: Why? Why would Dan resent him? Why didn't Dan tell him he was depressed? Why did Dan kill himself? Did Dan even love Phil?
Anger: How could Dan?! Kill himself? Did he ever really love Phil? Most likely not, if he would commit suicide, not considering how Phil would feel.
Phil pushed the note farther away from him, he wasn't ready to read it. He didn't know when he'd be ready. Maybe never.
"You promised that one day, we'd be together..." Phil sobbed. "You lied! You left me and you lied!!"
***
Phil sat in his chair, staring at the letter, still unopened. It had been 10 years since Dan had chosen to end his life. Phil still wasn't over it. Phil could never be over it.
Dan, his entire universe, was dead. How could Phil forget something like that?
Phil took a deep breath. He'd never get over Dan's death...but maybe he was ready to open the letter.
Slowly, Phil ripped open the envelop, tracing his finger over Dan's handwritten letters reading "PHIL"
Dear Phil,
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I had to get out. I know how much pain I'm gonna cause you, and I am so sorry.
I couldn't take it anymore, Phil. Everyone, my father, telling me I was strange. Disgusting. Useless. Faggot. Inhuman. Telling me because I liked men, I should be shunned.
The beatings Phil, how he hit me. Kicked me. How my own father, my flesh and blood, didn't accept me. The pain was too much Phil. So I'm sorry.
Phil, never forget that I love you. My love for you will surpass my death, it is eternal. You were and still are my everything. I love you, Phil, always remember that when things get hard.
And one day, we can be together. Without hate. Soon enough, one day, I'll give you the world as best I can. We just have to patiently wait for that day to come.
Forever yours,
Dan Howell
Phil couldn't breath. Dan, his poor Dan. Facing all of that hurt, all of that hate. Bearing so many terrible things on his back until he just couldn't anymore and collapsed. He had to suffer through all of that alone, his Dan was in pain. And that pained Phi.
But his words towards the end. Phil was crying both tears of sadness and joy that Dan loved him. That much.
"One day," Phil whispered. "I'm coming eventually Dan, one day."
He smiled, wiping away his tears, tucking the letter into the drawer by his bed.
fin.
