spacenames- phan chat room AU☆

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Dan Howell had been staring at the bottle of pills for awhile now.

He really was going to carry out his purpose. He really was going to die.

But Dan was doubting his purpose. Did he really want to do this? Did he actually want to end it all? One question came after another, and he knew the answers to none of them.

He thought about his life up to this point. He'd experienced such great happiness, but Dan also had experienced sadness to an excessive extent.

The more Dan thought about it, the more appealing death seemed, no matter how scary it actually was.

To Dan, death is a body or a shadow that lurks in the dark, crawling under little children's beds and waiting, always there. Death never will leave, he just gets closer and closer to you until your time is up. The closer he gets, the sooner he'll take you as his own. Death is the ghost that people fear, and the tormentor of the many bodies claimed by him. Everyone knows when their time is nearing the end, because you can feel the chill of Death's icy breath as it tickles the small hairs on the back of your neck.

So when Dan finally felt a slight chill surround him, he knew it was time.

He wasn't going to go in any baths this time, he now decided just to lay on his bed. He didn't really know how long it'd be until anyone would necessarily find him, but he wasn't really paying much mind to being found.

Phil, Chris, and PJ had been messaging him all night. Dan could only guess that they all knew his intentions.

Dan grabbed a pen and a sheet of notebook paper, and started writing slowly. He poured his each and every thought into the words he wrote, channeling sadness, remorse, regret, and slight happiness in his final letter.

He didn't shed a single tear as he solemnly laid down, studying the pill bottle for a second more.

Dan thought about how much he longed for a life he had control of. He wanted his living space to properly be his own, decorated with pictures from nice memories, soft pillows, and scented candles. He wanted shelves and shelves of books filled with art and poetry.

He wanted to wake up every morning excited for what was to come. He wanted to look up to the skies and feel the warm sun on his face. He wanted to go on long walks and hikes, and to feel healthy and strong.

Dan wanted to feel more productive and satisfied, he wanted to take more photographs, make new friends and have more hobbies. He wanted to meet and stay with people who would teach him more about the places he's never been.

Dan Howell wanted to feel alive.

But he couldn't.

And that's what drove him over the edge.

•-•
A/N:
yikes amirite ahahahahdndndj

qotd: did this chapter make you sad ?? probably not ,, thanks,,

aotd: i mean it lowkey sucks and i wish i could've captured the whole suicidal feeling better but nah guess not.

i also posted another shit post chapter in my rant book, i address the presidential campaign, scene kids, bears, and beyonce.

have a lovely night!!
-blu🌙