More Than a Bestfriend

Chapter 7

Dan's POV

I rush back to my room, all my emotions start to choke me. No, not Phil. Phil. He is the happiest person I know. He is always laughing, or at least making me laugh. He's my everything... but i'm not good enough to make him happy.

I close my bedroom door behind me and collapse on the floor. My back is against the door, head in my arms.

I love Phil. All this time I just assumed he was okay. I assumed that he was always happy. He's hurting himself. Slowly, Phil is dying and as his boyfriend, I should've noticed. The long-sleeved shirts, the way he freaked out when I tried to take off his shirt. I was so blind to the fact that Phil needs serious help. Maybe my help, maybe professional help. First, I need to confront him.

My passion for Phil's safety turned into anger. I can feel my face get hot as I scramble to my feet.

"What if I never found out and he died!?" I realized I yelled this aloud.
Hot tears fall down my face. I could have killed him! I could have lost Phil because of my inability to notice him suffering! I turn around to lean on my wall. My hot breath reflects off the wall as my breathing gets faster. I pull up my forehead and hit the wall in a burst of anger. Not noticing my pain, I look up and notice I had dented the wall with my fist.

What if I have woken Phil up? I step back to try in an attempt to get into bed but it's too late, Phil opens my door.

Phil's POV

"Dan?" I feel my heart beat faster. Something is very wrong, his face is bright red and slightly puffy. His eyes are bloodshot and tears are falling down his face. I watch his eyes go from me to the wall. Following his eyes, I notice a large dent in the wall, explaining the loud noise that woke me up.

"Dan..." I trembled. I could hear my own voice shake. I have never seen him like this before. I feel tears in my own eyes, terror builds up inside me even more every second he stays silent.
"Please speak," I whisper, "you're scaring me."
I watch as he turns to me, "Why did you do it?"
I honestly have no idea what he is talking about. As I search my mind for something that he might be upset about, I realize that there was nothing that I have done wrong.

He kept staring into my eyes, "When'd you start and why?"
Do I know what he was talking about...? He couldn't have discovered my secret right? Honestly, i'm probably letting my anxiety get the best of me, he can't know. Though, what else could be talking about? I feel the blood leave my face, I have no words for him. I sit silent for a moment then finally speak, "I don't know what you are talking about."
"Don't lie to me Phil."
What if he doesn't know? I can't risk telling him the wrong thing!
"Dan, tell me what I did."
He looks away from me. I know he is mad. I still am not sure what I did to make him so pissed at me. I whisper his name, "Daniel."
He looks back up, no longer angry, but heartbroken. At that moment, I realize he knows. I don't know how, but Dan found out that I cut myself.
"I'm sorry," I say, continuing to whisper.
Dan shakes his head, looking down. I can't bare to look at him. How I have hurt him, how broken his eyes look. I did this to him. Self-harm was only supposed to punish me, not him.
I watch as he collapses on his bed. He puts his head on his hands, silent. I quietly sit beside him.
"I'm so sorry," I rub his back.
"No. Don't comfort me, it's supposed to be the other way around."
Up until now, I didn't notice the tears that are dripping down my own face.
"Well Dan, it's a bigger shock for you."
"You're the one hurt!" He says, raising his voice. "I'm not the one that is going through this. Alone." His voice breaks on the word. My heart shatters as he starts crying again. I wish he never found out. I would have given so much to keep my secret. I can't believe it's so hard on him, I never thought he loved me this much.
"C-Can I see?" His voice is shaky.
I didn't want to hurt him anymore but I still decided to obey. I roll up my sleeves, exposing my scarred wrists. He chokes back another sob as he slowly runs his hand along my left wrist.

Dan's POV

Phil's scratched up wrist feel so bumpy and cold. Every scar that my hand runs along, is another stab to my heart. Every video, every word he said, was always so filled with joy. It's just such a big shock to see him like this. I roll his sleeve up again. It's too hard for me too look at.
"Again, why did you start? And when?"
He looks down at his hands. He has them folded on his lap. I grab one hand and squeeze it, awaiting his response.
"I started over a year ago. I guess I have been depressed for much longer, but I never acted on it. It's just so damn hard all the time. I'm always depressed because I hate myself. All of me! I'm ugly, i'm not funny, everyone likes you more, and everything always ends up hurting me anyways. I started to slit my wrists so that I could release all of my pain. I ended up taking all the pain from inside and trying to make myself feel it on the outside. I'm not good enough for you, I will never be. You'll realize it one day and leave me by myself..."
I interrupt him there. "Are you kidding me? I have no idea where you got that idea, but it's completely stupid! I love you Phil. I would never leave you!"
He looks at the wall.
"Why not? I'm a depressed piece of shit anyways. I'm useless to you, i'm irrelevant!"
I never have heard Phil swear like that before.
"Phil, please don't say that. You aren't useless, you are my everything. You are the damn best thing that has ever happened to me. I would never trade you for anything. I would do anything for you. I would kill for you. Die for you. Anything you want."
I see him start to cry more. I can't tell if they are are happy tears.
"Phil, why are you depressed?"
He continues to cry. I let go of his hand and wrap my arms around him.
"Oh Dan. There's so much to say," he sobs. "I just don't want to be me. Everything about me is so wrong. I have so many haters telling me to kill myself, demons telling me that i'm alone and voices screaming in my head. Everywhere I turn, someone wants to hurt me. In my dreams, I always kill someone. Ling, my parents, a friend. You. Sometimes I get a break from all that and i'm the one who dies. Those are my good days. I never want to sleep anymore. And honestly, my dark world outside of sleep is so shitty anyways, I hate living in it. I hate it all."

That's so much to take in at once.
"I don't know what to say to that."
"I don't mind silence," he replies.
I look at him. The bright blueness of his eyes have faded to a grey. I wonder how long it will take for him to get better.
"You need sleep," I say in a quiet voice.
"Will you stay with me?" he asks shyly.
"Always."
With that, we both climb into Phil's bed together. He lays down first and I get in next to him. I roll to my side and pull his body close into mine. His back is against my chest, our breathing in sync. I wrap my arms around him. I want to protect him. From the demons, from the dreams, and from himself. As long as I can feel his warm body against mine, I know he is safe. As long as I can feel the rise and fall of his chest, I know that my Phil is breathing. His breathing is the only thing that I live for right now. Everything else has faded away.
__________________________________
A/N
Sorry that was not a great chapter. I also haven't updated cuz I was not sure if I should write this chapter. It's a touchy subject for me and subjecting any of that to Phil, whom I love makes me feel worse.
When calls himself ugly in the chapter, thats coming from his character's screwed up brain, not from me.
Lastly, Ling is a real friend of Phil's who died many years ago, in case you didn't know.
Anyways, thanks for 69 reads. My goals ;)
Ily guys so much, bye! -Jen