Secrets (Sequel to Vampire? TVD FanFic)

Part Forty-Eight

It's a funny feeling, to be alive. What does it mean to truly feel alive? You can be alive physically without being alive emotionally. You can be there, but not truly there. You can go through the motions of life without being alive.

You can be alive lying, trapped, in a coffin without being alive. That was me now. But I didn't feel like me. I felt like I was watching me, and watching what a pathetic excuse for a person I had become over the matter of a couple of days or maybe it was weeks, months, hours. I had given up on everything. I had no hopes or dreams. I had no feelings or longings. I just was.

Time was another thing I thought a lot about, whilst in the coffin. Don't you think it's funny how much we wrap our lives around time? You base your entire existence on time. The time you need to be at school or work, and the amount of time it will take you to get ready. The time you have to wake up and go to sleep, the time in between which you have to fill with jobs, friends, family and binge watching television programmes you will forget in thirty years or so. Everything is based around time. Yet time actually means nothing. It was made up by someone thousands of years ago, and doesn't actually mean anything.

If there were no clocks or watches or phones to tell you the time, how would you know it? Sure, we could guess using the sun, but what about minutes and seconds? You couldn't guess that from the sun. Time is nothing. That's what I've come to realise, lying here in the darkness. I don't have a clock or the sun to tell me the time here, I don't know who much time passes by. So eventually time doesn't exist. It becomes nothing. Another pointless aspect of the world we live in.

So that's how I was when Elijah finally came and found me. He lifted the lid and in his torch light I stared back at his face blankly. His eyes looked over my body, looking for an injury or explanation as to why I hadn't moved or said anything or made any facial expression what so ever. When he came up with nothing he looked back at my face.

"Becs," He whispered, his hand on my cheek, "It's me, it's Elijah."

I continued to look at him blankly. Could I even remember how to talk?

He moved his hands underneath and helped me stand up. The torch light moved across the room to the open door and he led me outside into the world. It was bright. Very bright. I had to stop and cover my eyes, gradually letting the light in and letting myself get used to it.

When I could finally see properly again I looked at Elijah, who was watching me. And that's when I punched him. Right in the mouth. He was so surprised by it, he didn't even try to stop me or block it. With a crunch my fist hit his jaw, probably breaking a bone, but since he was a vampire he'd be fine. He staggered backwards holding his jaw and looked up at me in shock.

"That was for kissing Celeste," I said, my voice hoarse through not being used much and when it had been used it was almost ripped raw from screaming. I threw a glare at him before walking away from him. I swore to myself that I would not let Celeste break Elijah and I, and by God I would do my best to stick to that. But that did not mean that I would let him get away with kissing other people, especially if it was his crazy ex-lover that was supposed to be long dead.

"Becs," Elijah hurried after me, "Please let me explain."

"Not now Elijah, not now," I shook my head. I had held it together for so long, and I was about to break. "I'm on the edge of the cliff."

Elijah frowned for a moment before he understood what I meant. I was about to fall off the cliff; on the top of the cliff I was human, and when I fell I was a monster. And once you fell, it was a long climb back to the top and many don't make it.

"Let's go home," He said, wrapping his arm around me and hurrying us on.

When we got back to the compound Elijah let me go upstairs whilst he went to get me some blood bags. I stood in the bedroom that was deemed ours and stared around it. Was I wrong to have come to New Orleans? Should I have stayed with Stefan and Damon? All that I had got since coming here was heart ache and punishment for knowing the Mikaleson's.