Letters I Never Sent You (✔️/Editing!)

Letter #26

Song: Helena by My Chemical Romance 

"What's the worst thing I could say? Things are better if I stay."

****

Things are different.

You try to talk to me now, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

I think I'm moving on, because he's here and I've found comfort in him.

He's been here more than you have.

So I talk to you, for the sake of your feelings.

Because even after everything, I care about your feelings more than mine.

I still care about you, but I don't want to. I hate what you did. I hate what happened. I hate all of it. 

But you won't ever go away. You'll always be there in the back of my mind. I can't escape it. Whatever I had with you, didn't just go away. I hate myself for that.

My head is so fucked up because of everything that happened and I get angry when I think about it. I shouldn't even care about someone who constantly fucked me over and clearly didn't give a shit about me. 

I deserved so much better, yet all I wanted was you. A part of me still does, but that part of me doesn't matter. 

You played me. I knew you were going to, but I let you. I thought I could change you. But we can't change people, can we? They have to change themselves. And I wasn't worth enough to you for you to change. 

I deserve and apology that I'm never going to get. I can accept that. Because that just proves to me even more that I'm getting better. 

You hurt me, but I can forgive you, because I know you're hurting too. That's not an excuse for your actions, though. You're not hurting because of me. What you did isn't okay, and it won't ever be. 

But I see the fault in it. 

But they say forgiveness is one of the first steps of moving on. So I'm forgiving you and letting go. Slowly but hopefully surely. And maybe one day, we'll be friends again and things will go back to the way they were, but I'll never forget this. 

It's taken me long enough, so I forgive you, Grayson. I know you need to hear that. Once. Just once before we reconnect. 

I don't hate you. I never will. I just act like I do because it's easier than admitting I miss you. 

----