Hazel Eyes (A NeverShoutNever FanFic)

Losing It

Amy's POV

  Months. It'd been months. Three, going on four.

  I didn't know who I was anymore.

  I wasn't me. I wasn't anyone I recognized.

  All I knew about myself was that I was lonely and unhealthy.

  I'd lost a lot of weight. I wasn't sleeping. I didn't care for anyone or anything. I was living off my savings. I was waking up and doing with nothing with myself. I felt empty, numb and hollow.

  It was worse than feeling hurt. I was willing to do anything to feel anything. There were days when I thought long and hard about drinking myself to death but I didn't have it in me. Drunken me would call Chris. Drunken me would admit to hurt. Drunken me would cry on the phone.

  This isn't what love is supposed to feel like. How would I know though? Gosh, I'd never been this bad. I can't even remember how or who I was before this.

  I'm so secluded now. I have no one, absolutely no one, to turn to. No one to talk to. No one to vent to. No one to cry on. Not that I'd want just anyone though. Andy would be perfect right now. Or Hayden, he had a way with words. Delilah too, if she didn't hate me. Hell, even Ashley. I just need someone. I can't stand this feeling.

  Just thinking of how I'd suddenly fallen apart at my own will brought tears to my eyes. I cringed at the sudden tightness in my chest then gasped before shutting my eyes tight.

  No. I will not cry. I can't. I won't. I'm better than that.

  I let out the breath and dared to open my eyes. But the voice at the back of my head wouldn't go silently.

  No you are not. You deserve it.

  The words seemed to be shouted at me from my own conscious. I shut my eyes again and huddled into the corner of the futon, clutching a pillow to my chest.

  My eyes remained shut. I sighed and slowly began to let the light in. I found myself looking down at my pale, pale feet. They were tiny. Skin & bones really.

  I nearly gasped at the sight. Lately, I hadn't dared to look in the mirror. I didn't even bother to enter the bathroom unless I was desperate. But looking down at how skinny I'd gotten, I gathered the courage to stand up and walk to the restroom.

  I kept my head hung low until I reached the door, then gently pushed the door open, still too scared to look up.

  I took a breath, looked up and then my hands went up to my mouth.

  I looked horribly. Dying, even.

  I was pale, greyish yellow looking. My cheeks were hollowed out and my collar bone was too visible. I could wrap my hand around my arms. I'd never mind being skinny but I looked unhealthy.

  It wasn't okay. This, it was not okay.

  I winced as I lifted my shirt to see my ribs. It hurt. Not physically. But it hurt to see myself.

  I quickly pushed it down and looked down, disappointed in myself. I took a breath and I began to shake. I paced to the couch and huddled in the corner again, beginning to shiver and sob.

  This was the worse feeling ever. I wasn't sure if I'd hit rock bottom but I didn't like the rut I was in.

  I have to get out of this. No matter how   much it hurts. I have no other choice.

  I sighed, shaking when I wiped my tears, then stood up. I got dressed. I did my hair. I grabbed some cash and I left the hotel room I'd been residing in for far too long.

Chris's POV

  Another long day meant another long writing session. But lately, my writing wasn't what it usually was. I didn't bother to try and create new tunes or make the words rhyme or seem poetic. I was just writing for a release.

  Just thinking about the cause of it all - me, myself and I - made tears poke at my eyes but Hayden soon walked in and I shook them away.

  "Hey, I got you a new journal. Your last one is falling apart." He chuckled nonchalantly. I looked up at him. "Oh. I hadn't even noticed. Thanks man." I smiled weakly. He nodded and dropped it in my lap then handed me a pen before walking off. "Write." He hollered before leaving the apartment.

  I sighed and felt loneliness creeping up on me again. Even when someone was with me it felt that way, but when I was left in my apartment with no one but me there was nothing to stop me from keeping it together.

  Shaking, I grabbed the pen and began to write, trying to ignore the tear drops staining the page with black blotches.

  I haven't called you in almost a month. I'm not sure if your phones off, if you're just ignoring my calls, if you may be got a new phone, or even if you're dead. That's what scares me. I know nothing of you. It's like you dropped off the face of the earth.

  Anyway, Andy stopped by today. He dropped off a few of your things he'd found when cleaning out the bus. I didn't know what to do with them so I put them in a box and shoved them to the back of the closet, kinda like all my happiness. I hope you're okay with that. Also, I didn't know how to answer when he asked me how I was doing so I broke down. I've never cried in front of anyone until today.

  God damn it Amy. I miss you, so so so so so so so much. I don't remember who I was before you came into my life...

  This is all my fault. No one's to blame but me for what I did. I could've stopped you. I should've stopped you. I fucked up so bad. This is all my fault. I don't even think I want to liv

  I hadn't noticed I was sobbing until Hayden snatched the journal from me and wrapped a blanket around me. I blinked hard and caught a breath to calm down.

  "It'll be fine man. You're okay, you'll be fine." He repeated the words until I fell asleep.

Amy's POV

  Phone, paid. Room, cleaned. Body, cleaned. Food, bought. Job applications, filled.

  There was nothing left to do but still, I didn't feel any different. Yes, I was slightly proud of myself for what I'd gotten done but the empty void was still there.

  I sighed and stuck a frozen meal into  the microwave then threw myself onto the bed before switching the TV on.

  I ate. I watched the same sitcoms that used to make me cry, laughing. I opened up the curtains to let some sun in. I even took another shower but still, nothing. I didn't feel anything. I really was empty.

  I was about to cry again when ringing sounded from the bathroom. Then more ringing, followed by more ringing. I waited - a good 5 to 8 minutes. When it ended I picked up my phone, anxiously.

I unlocked my screen to see that I had actually been missing.

563 MISSED CALLS

1,237 UNREAD MESSAGES

506 UNREAD FACEBOOK MESSAGES

768 UNREAD EMAILS

I looked over the messages and let out a miserable breath. I'd let all these people down. I felt overwhelmed with grief, guilt and remorse all at once.

What was I supposed to do? The last time I'd received a call was a little more than three weeks ago. I couldn't just pop up again. That'd be wrong of me.

I knew it was best to just stay gone, and that hurt. It all hurt.