Depression Hit Me Hard

9: Starting Over

Sometimes like I said previously, I would think of Death. Well I know you would dismiss it and think it's normal, it's not to me though. It's scary. Really, really scary. I'm not even joking one bit. Every night I would dream of me killing myself, or in other words, suicide. I couldn't control myself. It's like something's controlling me, but I don't know what is.

Maybe it's because of depression?

Or maybe because other than Brienna, I don't have anyone else to talk to?

I don't know yet, but I really want to know why. I want to know why it triggered me every time in my sleep, is it normal? Most of the times I would wake up in the middle of the night, and have a 'fight' with my conscience. It's like there's a war in my head.

'Why don't you cut, Ally? I'm sure it would help to sort of find the key to your problems. Come on, just one slash,' my conscience would say.

I would refuse, but end up on the bed with a penknife or a blade and a bloodied wrist, thigh and stomach.

After that, I would sleep back, and act as if nothing happened each day in the morning, even though every piece of me knew and is dying to be saved.

Soon, the weekends came and just as I was about to sleep in, my mom came in my room and sat on the edge of my bed. She woke me up slowly and then talked to me calmly.

"Ally, there's something I have to tell you," she started to speak, looking down the whole time.

"What about?"

"We're moving to Brighton, UK. We'll be living with Aunt Belle and Uncle Spencer."

"What? Why is that?"

"I divorced with David. I caught him in a park with another girl called Wendy or something. I should've known. Now pack your stuff, we're leaving tomorrow morning at 2.30AM."

"But what about school? How did I not know of this? What about the house?" I questioned her as I tried sinking in all the shocking news she had just told. Was I dreaming?

"Everything's been settled. I kept it a secret from you because I thought you could not handle it at the moment."

"Oh, okay mom. I'll get ready now."

My mom stood up and make her way to the door and stopped.

"Ally? I only kept it a secret because I saw your scars. I'm not mad at you, Ally. But promise me you'll stop. David is out of your life now. It's what you wanted right? And is this why you've always hated him? Is it about him and Wendy?"

I looked down and nodded my head in agreement and she continued.

"Well then, if you wish, you can tell me more once we're in Brighton. Tell me everything I've missed out on."

She struggled a smile and went out of my room. After all this while, my mom has finally realized? Of course I'm happy, but I'm sad too. It's hard seeing her having to cope like this. I wished my real dad is here. Surely he'll know what to do if he wasn't involved in an accident and died when I was 9. That's it Ally, time to move on.

I grabbed my huge pink suitcase and started to pack my things. The first thing I picked up was my photograph of my family, my real family. I smiled as I lift the photograph from my bedside table. It was a picture of me, my real dad and my mom. I was only 5 years old at that time and was happily smiling away in my father's hands. He carried me because I was too tired from all that walking in the park and him, being his muscular self, lifted and carried me up. My mom stood beside him, with her cheerful smile that I never saw again. I wouldn't blame her for not smiling as often. She has her own problems as well, and it's looming over her.

That night at 11.30PM I left a message to Brienna.

Me: Hey Brienna. As sudden as it sounds, I'm leaving for Brighton, in the UK. My mom's not planning to return. We'll leave there tomorrow at 2.30AM. I don't want to say goodbye because it will hurt me even more. We'll skype or something some time from now, okay? Say 'hi' to Nick for me and tell Alfie he's been a great new friend. Love ya. Remember me always xoxo

Brienna didn't reply, probably because she is sleeping. It didn't bother me, because I don't want her to reply at all. I don't want to start remembering all those old memories we have together and then cry over it. I want to move on. I need to.

So at 1.30 in the morning my mom and I made our way to the airport. It wasn't so quiet at the airport, it was filled with quite a lot of people. Not that much though. After waiting a while, we finally got on the plane and flew to Brighton. The flight was tiring and i was so jetlag.

We finally reached Brighton and as soon as I got off the plane I saw Aunt Belle and Uncle Spencer. I managed a small smile and they greeted us back by smiling, and of course a wider smile than me. My mom and I walked towards them and I sighed.

'It's going to be a whole new life, Ally.' My conscience told me, like I don't already now.

I may be filled with shame, scars and bruises, but I'm alive. I'm a fighter, warrior and survivor. There's a part of me I can't get back. The little girl grew up too fast. But I'm stronger now. I'm ready as ever to experience this new life, because you can never hurt me again. No one can, and I won't let anyone ever step all over me. Again.