Depression Hit Me Hard

8: Dreams Of Death

For the past few days, me, Brienna and sometimes Nick would hang out with me during lunch or at any time of the day. Most of the times though, Nick would be hanging out with Alfie. What can I say, bros stick together even though they have gone through so much shit. Jessica? She and her gang still bullies me whenever she get the chance to. Brienna and Nick are like my bodyguards but Jessica, she's like immortal. Seriously. She can bully anyone she wishes and get away with it, all thanks to her puppy face she makes every time. It's pretty annoying but like I said, in school, you can't get away with anything. Alfie and Jessica's relationship has been on and off for the past few weeks and much to my disappointment, they haven't split up completely.

Yeah I know, Alfie's just the past but, sometimes I can't stand it seeing him having to go through all the pain with that Jessica. He's completely loyal to her, but most of the times she would flirt with all the other boys. Ew. I knew if I hadn't rejected him all of this wouldn't happen but I was scared. Scared of Jessica. Her consistent bullying. Like, what the hell does she want from me? I always ask her whenever she bullies me but she would never answer that particular question. I can't believe we were best friends. Let alone considering her to be my friend. She was once one of those innocent girl with an angelic face but now, I would never regret considering her to be a slut. Do mind my manners, I just couldn't handle it.

Every day I thought if I were to fake a smile, people would think I'm doing just fine. Never have I been so wrong. Brienna knew there's something I'm hiding from her. One afternoon in the cafeteria, she braved herself and asked me, "Is something bothering you? You look tired."

And so I replied," I am tired."

"What exactly are you tired of?"

"Everything. Of Jessica bullying me, of this awkward space between Alfie and me, of my constant need of cutting and seeing scars to determine everything's going to be alright. I'm weird, aren't I?"

Then there's silence, before Brienna decided to speak up.

"Look, I don't really know what you've been going through, but please, I beg you, stop cutting. I know not only your wrists are full of scars, but your thighs and stomach too. I saw them during Physical Education. I know how hard you've been trying to cover them up. I know them all, I've always knew. Even if our uniforms have long sleeves, Ally. I still know."

It's nice, how she's been trying to help me but at this point of time, I've been thinking of death.

'And by age 15, she dreams of Death.'

Ever heard of that phrase? I've seen it in Tumblr a few times and it's definitely relatable.

The whole day Brienna and I talked about our problems and find ways to connect them. I felt better thanks to her but every now and then, the word 'death' appears in my brain way too often. And it's pretty scary, trust me.

At times I think of Alfie, oh god why. I still glance at him every now and then.

Then one day he waited for me at my locker and when he saw me, he couldn't resist asking," Why are you still staring at me? Do you still care about me? I thought you hated me."

"I don't hate you. Why would I hate you just because of a minor thing that happened between us? But I don't like you, either. And by 'like' I mean, more than a friend. I'm okay with you being a friend of mine but I think I'm better off alone. Oh and the reason why I kept staring was because I wondered how you could handle that beast, or should I say Jessica."

He chuckled and shrug.

"Friends?" He asked and let out a hand.

"Friends," I agreed and shook his hand.

Afterwards, I walked off and didn't bother for a reply from him. I don't want Jessica finding out we are actually talking, I can't deal with any more bullying.

I should probably tell you what I mean. This days Jessica has been bullying me lesser. She's almost always with Alfie. It didn't mind me one bit. I'm over Alfie anyway. We're just friends now.