Depression Hit Me Hard

1: My Pathetic Life

"Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong, and no one understands you..." I grabbed my iPhone 5S and slide to switch off my alarm. 5.30AM. It's so early to be waking up but School, you can't run away from it. Well, that's possible actually, if you are already planning to sleep on the streets and begging for money for the rest of your life. I charged my iPhone and bathe afterwards. Last-minute charging of my iPhone is how I roll. I got dressed up in my school uniform and my tie. Sucks having to wear a tie every Monday. Teachers better realize how lucky they are. I mean, they don't even have to wear weird-looking shirts and look ridiculous in it. Right after I finish school I'm so going to burn my uniform in front of the school.

Just kidding.

I'm not that evil. Well at least I don't think I am.

I wore my favorite simple-looking-with-a-moustache-on-it watch and use my Taylor Swift 'Enchanted' perfume - my normal everyday routine for school. Sometimes I get teased for fun, not all the time though. I'm not the only one that gets teased but no one knew how much it affected me. People thought it was no big deal. They didn't know though, what I am hiding from them. Something that may seem stupid and meaningless but to cutters like me, it means something. My scars represents my problems and my depressed state. No one really gets it, but we, cutters, share this similarity and we are the only ones that understand each other's problems.

I walked to the bus-stop in front of my house and glanced at my watch. 6.20AM. Quite early I guess. I miss breakfast every time, because I feel insecure. Sometimes it's because of my weight issues, but sometimes I just don't want to eat.

The second part may be pathetic, but whatever.

Anyway, like any other days, once I reach school, I'll always hang out alone. Sometimes I copy my remaining homework that I didn't do from my classmates. No one minded it, because everyone did it. That's what I liked about my class, we do things together. And by things I meant... Do crazy shit together. Get scolded together.

All this though, happened before things get worse. By worse I mean really, really bad. Before that, I used staples to cut myself because they create fine lines and it was not obvious. Do keep in mind I did this for some problems which is a little private. The pain though, was still the same. Now, I use any sharp things I could find. Doesn't matter if it is a knife, penknife or even scissors.

I do what I want, whenever I want and with whatever I want. Guess what? You can't stop me.

Basically throughout the whole boring day at school, I tried my best to fit in with my classmates. I wouldn't want to call them my friends because that would mean I am lying. Almost all treat me as a friend but I just... I just don't want to treat them as one because I trust no one in this school. There are backstabbers everywhere, you may just not know about it. Soon you will. It will be too late though.

Get what I am trying to say? It's fine if you don't. At this point of time I had a huge crush on a guy from another class. Well that's saddening. And this my friend, is why even though I dreaded going to school, a little part of me wanted to see him. Which explains why I did not give up on school. Yet. He is tall, with a fair complexion, cute hair, perfect dashing blue eyes and one of a kind smile. And by one of a kind, i really meant that his smile is gorgeous. No kidding. That's when I knew he is the definition of perfect in my kind of dictionary. I was so madly in love. His name is Alfie. The greatest thing ever? We are in the same classes for three subjects. Every day at night before I fall asleep, I would think of him. Oh come on, I bet you think of your crush too. Like what they are doing, and stuff like that. I kind of find it stupid now, actually.

But yeah, that's the kind of person I am, who prefers to hang out alone, finds perfect guys that I will probably never have a chance to hang out with and imagine stuffs with them, keeps all of my problems to myself and most of all, being too shy. My shyness was my greatest weakness. It ruined a lot of good opportunities. I hate myself for that. Oh well, I guess it's a part of me and I just have to take it all in. Not to mention that my so-called friends hates it when I keep my problems to myself. Well they should be thankful because 1) they will not have to put up with all my shit, 2) I have this feeling that no one actually cares about my problems and 3) they would never do anything about it, except sometimes making it all worse.

The best they could do? Saying everything's going to be alright. Even if they know it won't and never will be.