Zodiacs

XCIX

The signs as things overheard in the band room:

aries: [oboe player stares at chipped reed, looking brokenhearted] it's all ogre now

taurus: [trombone] listen. the government is trying to hide the truth from us. it's l-m-o-p — there's no "n" after the m in the alphabet.

gemini: [flute player playing i just had sex by the lonely island] what? at least i can say it's true, unlike most of you fake bitches.

cancer: [percussion] i'm literally just banging the drum whenever i feel like it; i lost the sheet music a few weeks ago the director still hasn't noticed.

leo: [bassoon] do whales have dicks? can you get pregnant if you have sex with a whale?

virgo: [trumpet, on the phone with her mom] yeah mom, i'll be home by 8. i just want to go visit him before he leaves for florida tomorrow. [french horn, screaming from the hallway as they walk in] MRS. TAMASHI DON'T BELIEVE HER SHE JUST WANTS TO GET FUCKED BY HIM ONE LAST TIME BEFORE HE LEAVES

libra: [saxophone] is my sax sexy enough to be in the victoria's secret fashion show?

scorpio: [tuba, asking an euphonium] how do i come out to my mom as straight? she thinks i'm gay.

sagittarius: [percussionist loudly plays all star by smash mouth on the bells]

capricorn: [director] you know, this would be a lot easier if all of you were lumberjacks.

aquarius: [clarinet, talking to another clarinet] your reed smells good. can i lick it?

pisces: [flute] i'm going to deep throat my head joint