Here and HereAfter #Wattys2016

Chapter 2

Not Deserving

dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas simula nung hiniwalayan ako ni Jezz but until now, I'm still longing for his hugs and kisses, and the time when everytime I woke up, I'll always receive sweet morning messages from him.

I miss him so much, really . I missed his smile, his teases, his witty endearments, I missed them all.

Mahirap pala. Ang hirap isipin na wala na siya. Wala na sya sa tabi ko. Nasanay kasi ako na he's always there beside me every ups and downs.

Minsan naisip ko, minahal ba talaga niya ako? I never expected na mangyayari to, It has been 2 years, and our relationship was going strong. Minsan naiisip ko na baka kasalanan ko ang lahat. Na baka may hinahanap pa siyang iba na hindi niya mahanap saakin. Hindi pa ba ako sapat?

and then one day, I'm starting to get insecure in myself. nasa kwarto ako, nagiisa. Hinarap ko ang aking malaking salamin, at tiningnan ko ang sarili kong repleksiyon.

I looked at my posture, my whole being. Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang aking katawan, not so skinny and not so fat, Tama lang.

I looked also at my tanned skin, na namana ko saking ina.
and then my face, and my wavy hair, Finding imperfections that Jezz might dislike. That it might be the reason why he left me. I know, Nagmumukha akong tanga sa ginagawa ko. But I can't blame myself.

Hindi ko naisip na magiging ganito ako. I never been this crazy for a man.

noon, sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi ako iiyak at magpapakatanga para lang sa isang lalaki.

But look at me now, I looked distorted, shattered and broken.

I should've expect the unexpected.

And now, I have to start in the beginning. I have to start a new life.

Kailangan kong sanayin ang sarili ko na wala na sya. Wala na si Jezz. And besides, he doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve my pain that I have felt for him.

And I hate him for that.