døg/rabbit~~tysh/jøshler fic

I (Love)Hate You

@CastawayJoshler phYSICALLY PAINS ME BECAUSE OF THIS OUCH

"major trigger warning and is loosely based on "i hate you, I love you" by gnash" -Becca

A week.

That's how long it's been since Josh forced a knife through my chest; metaphorically that is. He said he wouldn't leave, he said he would love me through this, he said he would help me, he promised, he said he loved me....

I shouldn't miss him like this; I always miss people that I shouldn't be missing. He doesn't give a damn about me; said so himself. He didn't love me, he lied through his fucking teeth.

I hate Joshua William Dun. I hate him. I would rather let someone slowly slice me open with a knife until I bleed to death; slowly and painfully. I'd rather die than to keep loving him and keep feeling this pain, but that's the problem I still love him. I fooled around and got attached to the colorful haired man with pretty brown eyes.

I'll never be sane. I'll never be what he deserves. I never be what he needs. I'll always be the psychopath I was meant to be.

"Tyler, it's been a week."

I don't even try to contain my laugh as I look at Doctor Urie, "you're a real fucking piece of art."

"What's that's supposed to mean, Tyler?"

I have to fight the urge to use what little energy I have left to refrain from killing the bastard in front of me, "don't act stupid Doctor. Urie."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says calmly and I double over in laughter.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, doc. You fucking promised. You said he'd be safe. You said you wouldn't take him. You fucking promised. I told you I loved him. I told you I'd manage to kill myself one way or another if you let something happen to him; to us." I say with a bitter laugh as he finally sets the tray of food I won't eat on my nightstand, "I'm a man of my word."

I watch as Dr.Urie sighs and puts on a fake expression to mask his annoyance, "Tyler, Josh wasn't real. He isn't real."

I have to sit down as I clutch my stomach and laugh the hardest I've ever laughed in my life.

"He was someone you created in your mind to help you deal with Blurryface."

"Shut the fuck up. You don't know a damn thing about Blurryface. I may be crazy, but I know Josh is real. That kind of love can't be made up. If I imagined him I'd be able to hold him in my arms right now. You're smarter than this doc," I give him a taunting smile as I stare into his dark brown eyes that are a similar shade to mine.

"What about your boy toy? I heard he's real nice looking. Ryan is it? What a shame it'd be if you lost him do to tragic events," I cock my head up in mock thought and fake pity dripping from my every word.

"You can't touch him. Don't even say his name. Don't even think about him you sick fuck."he seethes but still lingers at my door, ready to run the second I have a breakdown.

"Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't dream of touching your slut. I would much rather have Josh take care of me; if you know what I mean," I smirk as I lay against my bed with a wicked grin never leaving my lips. I want to get under his skin. I want to make him feel paranoid. I want him to feel crazy.

"Eat and drink something," was all he said as he slammed the door shut behind him and stormed out of my room.

I mumble half ass insults at the man as my eyes wander to my bedside table. Everything in this room screamed Josh.

My pillows still smelt faintly of him, our picture is still framed beside my bed, his voice still lingers in my head. The sweet lies he murmured while he persuaded me to believe he loved me.

A sudden feeling of rage feels my body as he comes back.

"Tyler, erase every trace of him."

I shake my head and fight the urge to scream. How? How do I get rid of him? Blurry is my only friend, he'll help me.

"Destroy everything that reminds you of him."

My whole body becomes hot as I grab the two small excuses of pillows from my bed and use my hands to rip into the material. Cotton flies all around the room and falls to the floor like snow in December.

I don't stop there. I grab our picture and smash it against the floor while repeatedly stomping it as I watch the glass shatter with every stomp of my boot. My breathing is labored as I choke back sobs.

I reach down not even caring that I could get cut with the shards surrounding the picture. I rip the ink stained paper into millions of small pieces as tears stream down my face.

I throw myself onto my bed as a sob erupts from my throat and my body shakes with the lack of energy. I'm pathetic, no wonder Josh didn't actually love me.

"You're not done, Tyler. You're still thinking about him. Erase him from your mind."

How? I'm desperate to hear what blurry has to say. I want this pain gone. I'll do anything.

"The glass."

I scramble off my bed and into the floor where glass surrounds the broken wooden frame like crystals.

I slowly pick up the longest piece. It was pointed at the end, but it was only three or four inches long. It was big enough to do the trick.

I run the glass over the skin of my wrist heavily as a sharp sting causes me to gasp. I pull the glass back to see thick, warm blood ooze out of the deep cut and onto the concrete floor.

I smile slightly as I become lightheaded from all the blood I'm loosing. I shakily bring the glass to my other wrist as the same sharp sting brings more blood.

I drop the red stained glass as I fall back with a lazy smile gracing my raw, chapped lips. I can end it. I can forget about Josh. I can be free.

I watch as the blood swirls around me soaking through my ugly orange suit; staining it red. My body becomes cold as all the warmth begins to seep out from me. My ears ring with a high pitched noise, but it was still peaceful.

I mange to hear my door being busted open as Doctor Urie and other nurses rush to my side with a medical kit at hand.

Doctor Urie barks orders from above me as I let my eyes slowly roll back and my head loll to the slide.

My mind goes blank as an image of Josh appears behind my eyelids.

"I really did love you Josh. Y-you were saving, me Josh. W-Why'd you leave me? I-I n-needed y-you. J-Jos-"

HHHHH THIS GIVES ME SO MUCH PAIN SOUVIRUHWIRUG @CastawayJoshler wHY DO U HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME BTDIUSHIWG