døg/rabbit~~tysh/jøshler fic

Hell

AHHH CastawayJoshler IS AMAZING WHY

Being without Josh is hell.

I haven't moved, slept, ate, or drank in two whole days. I'm pathetic, I bet Josh is doing just fine without me, and here I am falling apart without him here to hold me together.

I've become so accustomed to his strong arms holding my broken pieces into place, that now with his absence I'm slowly chipping away the tiny shards of my sanity.

Blurry isn't even bothering me, I'm just numb. I don't feel alive, I hate this. I hate that I need Josh, but I love him so god damn much. He's all I've ever wanted. He's my home, the safe place for my vessel to reside.

Josh with his stupid, perfect smile that makes my crooked ones look like they belong to a rabid animal; His stupid hair that changes colors at random times of the month and gives this place color, while mine stays a dull brown; his voice that sounds more like an angelic symphony as mine is creaky and dry.

Josh is this amazing man that I know I don't deserve, oh how I know I don't even deserve the way he says my name. His voice caressing each syllable as they drip from his tongue.

I can't get over the way he looked at me when I said those words, the hurt in his features causing my heart to feel like it's undergoing acupuncture.

I hurt him and I know it, I should have just let Melanie or Dr. Urie ask me questions. I should have, but I never seem to make the right decisions. I've never made the right decisions.

The one thing I thought I was actually good at was loving Josh, but I even managed to fuck that up. He's all I've ever wanted, and one stupid move could cause me to lose him forever.

"Tyler, you need to eat something."

I raise up in my bed and ignore the ache in my empty stomach. I look right into Dr.Urie's eyes as I shrug weakly, "M'not hungry."

"Tyler, it's been two days and you haven't eaten, drank, slept, or moved for that matter. Fucking stop feeling sorry for yourself, grow up and quit acting like a child," Dr. Urie seethes as he looks me in the eye.

I don't flinch at his harsh words as he watches me intently, I know I could easily kill him with my bare hands if I wished. I could clamber on top of him and place my hands firmly around his neck. I could look down at him as I watched him struggle to regain access to oxygen, watch his face go slack as his oxygen level drops. I could watch his face turn colors as I watched the life leave his vessel, but I won't...yet.

"I have a right to feel sorry for myself," I state calmly as I take my seat on the side of my bed.

"Oh, and why's that," he asks clearly annoyed with my lack of interest in conversation.

I smile a little as I raise my eyes to look into his, "Dr.Urie, I am fucking insane. No one wants me in their life, I'm a burden to all humanity. I have no one, not even myself. My own mind fights me, pathetic I know. I'm a waste of life, waste of space. I don't even know why I'm still alive."

I pause and smile as Dr.Urie's eyes softens, "I'm sorry."

That's what they all say, but they're not really sorry.

I chuckle as he looks at me in confusion, "that's not even the worst part. Do you know how much I love him? Do you know how the simple thought of seeing him everyday kept me from going bat shit crazy? Do you know that he makes me feel alive. Like I'm actually living something that's worth living? Did you know that he's the only one who can talk to me when......," I pause and purse my lips while casting my eyes to the ground, "when blurry takes over me. No, you don't know any of that. I have a right to feel sorry for myself, because the only thing keeping me alive could very well hate me. I may not even see him again, and you people," I pause again as my voice becomes shaky and I force myself to take a deep breath, "you people wouldn't even care. You'd go about your lives as you always do, because I'm just an object on your shelf collecting dust. I don't mean anything to you, and I'm okay with that. However, if I lose Josh because of this whole or deal, I'll give up. I will let myself become nothing as I slowly kill myself. I'll refuse to eat, drink, and sleep. You can try to drug me, plug me into machines and wires to keep me alive, but you can't keep someone alive that's fighting to die. You people often assume you're what's keeping me alive, but in reality I'm choosing to live. He's keeping me alive, he's my only fight."

I raise my gaze to look at Dr.Urie's eyes as my whole body shakes with realism of the truth behind my words.

His mouth is opening and closing like he's searching for the words to say, but can't seem to find them. His eyes wide and curious.

Wow I've finally shut that loud mouth asshole up.

"Tyler, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say..."

I laugh as I shake my head, "Don't be sorry for me, just look after him. If something happens and he can't see me anymore, let him know I love him-" my voice breaks as tears roll down my cheeks, "oh, God please keep him safe."

At this point I'm talking to God more than I am Dr.Urie. Tears falling freely down my face as I let silent sniffles pass my eyes.

"You know, I didn't think you were actually capable of love. I thought you were using Josh to get out of this place, I was wrong," his voice is soft and thick with emotion as he turns to walk out of my cell, "I hope things work out for you two, I truly mean that."

He gives me a small, sad smile before shutting my door and leaving me alone. I stare at the picture Josh framed of us for me.

Awkward smile and bright orange jumpsuit masking my features, but Josh's lean, flawless figure had his arm around my shoulders making me glow with his presence.

I feel the tears well up in my eyes and I accept the fact that all I do is cry.

Suddenly my breathing becomes labored and I feel dangerously faint, but all I can't think about is Josh, Josh, Josh.

I grab onto the framed picture of us and hold it to my chest tightly just as everything stops spinning and is replaced with complete, relaxing darkness.

((Tyler passed out because he's been crying too much and not drinking enough water-he's just dehydrated))

uM but this is so great so haha hit up CastawayJoshler for more aMAZING SHIT LIKE THIS AHH

also she edited that picture for the picture of them together on Tyler's night stand how cute :)