Distant Luminosity | Hanjoo

Chapter Seventeen

- Hansol -

Byungjoo's been acting strange, and I mean not the bad kind — his eyes have been rather downcast more often. I know he's been stressed out with a lot of things on his mind, but I feel as if I've contributed to that. He knows (almost) all of my problems, and they're not something I want to burden him with. If I'm a bad influence like Sohee's parents told her, then what makes me a good influence to him?

How can he possibly like someone as flawed as I am?

Today was the start of a new week, it's been a while since I've visited Byungjoo's house. I wanted to apologize to him, show him that it wasn't because I didn't want to go. So, I set plans the night before.

As I got through the heavy doors of the entrance, I noticed that he wasn't anywhere to be found. I quickly assumed that he was in the bathroom, so I waited by the door for him. What I didn't expect was for a group to come out and one of them to shove me back into the wall, out in plain sight for the rest of the kids to watch. I squirmed in the male's hold, wanting to cry right then and there.

"Get a taste of your own medicine, confused bitch." Said he, the one holding me by the neck against the cold, hard wall. I tried to call for help, but his friends were surrounding the both of us. They laughed like it was the best scene of a comedy. "I can't believe you're fucking Byungjoo." I was getting a major wave of panic by then, I don't like this. Please, go away.

"What are you talking–" I choked on my own words from fighting against the male's hand.

"You like being in pain, huh? How you always say you're addicted to it? Why not I give you some to satisfy you?"

Why do you sound like her?

I haven't ever seen these people before, how could they have suddenly picked me from the crowd? Is it because everyone thinks I'm bad and saw me clinging to Byungjoo? More importantly, where did he get any of that from? I honestly didn't care about any of this as much as I did with my lungs feeling like they were filled with water. I was so scared, I didn't want him to kill me or something.

Just as the male was reaching for my mask, I heard Mr. Kim Taeyang's voice from a few feet away, behind the group. "All of you, principal's office, now." Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I was let go of and I couldn't help but to slide down to meet the floor, breath heavy and uneven. A lot of weight was on my chest, it felt like. I watched with hazy vision of, what I believed, him ushering the group to the office nearby. Soon, I was seeing dark spots everywhere and the only thing I could hear was my racing heartbeat and intense breathing.

Why am I feeling like this?

I heard a faint voice. "Did they hurt you, Hansol?"

"Hansol?"

"Hansol!"

The sudden yell cut me back to the reality of things, but with a major flinch. I almost immediately broke into a sob, trembling with my face burying into my knees. I was cold and nauseated, I didn't want to move. I didn't want anyone near me, either. I was scared of everything at that point.

"I'm sorry." Mr. Kim said with a sigh, but I tried to shut him out. I didn't want even him around. There were kids walking past and I heard their whispers, as well as I saw their horrifying stares. Why does it have to be me? "Did they hurt you?" I shook my head slowly. "Good. Come on, let's talk in my room, alright?" He reached out his hand and I took time to focus on it before grabbing it the best I could.

–

"I know they triggered that panic attack of yours."

I nodded, eyes glued to the floor in front of me. I took a small sip from the cup of coffee he made specially for me.

"But I haven't asked this in a while, when's the last time you've hurt yourself?"

I couldn't answer that. No, not truthfully.

"A month ago."

His eyes widened. "So you're a month clean?"

"Yeah, sure." I sighed through my nose, staring into the swishing of cream in the coffee. He smiled ever so softly to me. "Well, that's good."

I nodded some more, trying to keep a minimum of words to come out of my mouth, so that I didn't have to worry about a stutter.

After an uncomfortable amount of silence, Mr. Kim allowed me to go to class since he figured I was ready to return. I believed so, too, until getting there. The amount of whispers that erupted as soon as I walked through the door was just outstanding.

"Is that the crybaby?"

"You know that he's fucking Kim Byungjoo."

"I heard he's got some sort of mood disorder."

"He's crazy."

Well, if it wasn't a bad day already, then this put the icing on the cake.

–

Mr. Kim's class arrived awfully quick, probably because I didn't pay attention in the other classes and I tried to sleep through most of them. I even skipped lunch, seeing as Byungjoo wasn't anywhere to be found.

A few minutes into the silent reading of a chapter in our textbook, I overheard some kids talking about everyone in the group from earlier being expelled, speaking of it like it was unfair. I rolled my eyes and rested my arms on the desk to hide my face in.

Why can't they move on? Let it go?

Mr. Kim cleared his throat, stepping up to in front of the board. "Class, I want to discuss an important thing with you. Close the textbooks, put away the phones, and look up here." He asserted.

Everyone did as they were told, including myself, and we were ready to listen to what he wanted to say.

"What is it that we are taught here?"

Someone in the front raised their hand and he gestured to them. "The study of the mind and its functions."

"What have we mostly talked about, in terms of psychology?"

"Mental illnesses."

"Good." He crossed over to pull the stool over and sit on it casually. "Everyone has a demon they're fighting with, regardless of illness or not, am I correct?"

The class responded with mix of 'yes' and 'no', I only nodded my head.

"To those of you who said yes, you are right." He sighed and shook his head. "Recently, I was responsible for the suspension of five boys you may know of. Do you know why they were suspended?"

My eyes lit up after hearing his mention. I was nervous to where this was going with this.

Another answered his question. "For picking on someone."

"Correct." He pointed enthusiastically to the kid before hopping back onto his feet. "What I'm wanting to discuss is the severity of the situation and how you shouldn't look upon someone for what they appear as." Some kids glanced at me.

"If you see someone crying, don't just assume they're weak or have 'mental issues'." He did the quote unquote sign with his fingers. "I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I called you a crybaby for having a breakdown in school."

Almost the entire class laughed uncontrollably, I sat there in silence.

"This isn't funny." Mr. Kim asserted, but the kids were only brought to more laughter. I watched as he rolled his eyes and let out an irritated sigh. He hurried over to me afterwards and whispered. "I'm sorry, I tried."

"It's okay." I reassured him, even though it wasn't.

God, just where is Byungjoo?

–

- is so done with hansol and byungjoo's school rn -

ayy i got an idea after these past few days so i'm back

i didn't proofread tho, so sorry for any typos or if it's rushed.

as always, stay awesome. B)