Distant Luminosity | Hanjoo

Chapter Seven

- Hansol -

Most people like to think that I'm oblivious to my surroundings; that I don't notice the season's change. As if I won't catch the smallest comment made upon my appearance. Little do they know, I'm quite observant, given from an outer perspective. I just fancy the possibilities of acting dumb, preferably to avoid conflict with another. Survival tactic? Maybe.

I've not many friends ever since I could remember, although I did have one throughout junior high. Ah, she was the best. Always encouraging me to show off my talents, dancing alongside me when we had nothing better to do on a usual day. Those were the good times, but where did they go? She entered an arts high school in a different city, always busy with her dance practices and singing lessons to spare some time for me.

I'm well-known for trusting the wrong set of people. I've never had a friend who stayed by my side until the present ━ never had someone who genuinely cared for me in my lonely years of high school, either. I don't believe I've ever seen this much hate flowing through a place at a time.

Of course, reading between the lines seems to be difficult these days. Someone can listen to a song, and not care, in the slightest, about the lyrics' meaning.

Amidst the far-fetched rumours, I'm trapped in moments of despair with no one's shoulder to lean on. I feel if I call for help, I'll be seen as weak or needy. I'm afraid of falling, but more scared to hold on.

Currently, I've departed ways from Byungjoo. He obviously wanted to talk with me more, but I just couldn't do it. I'm ashamed of myself for letting him see that horrible side of me, though he forcefully took it out. I know he wasn't mad, but how can he not be? Even Sohee lost her cool whenever she'd see what I did to myself.

When I was younger, it was very easy for me to quit injuring myself on purpose. I never had an uncontrollable urge to, I just did it. Ever since I relapsed two years ago, however, it's become somewhat like an addiction. I remember Sohee warning me of this over the phone the day she moved, when I've confronted her that I've been thinking about it again.

"Kim Hansol, I wouldn't advise that," she asserted, "It'll become a habit you don't want."

And she was right, I don't want this.