Let Me Love You ♡ Jastin ♡ {Hiatus}

∞Prologue∞

Nothing but silence fills the atmosphere nowadays. I remember the only thing blocking me from my inner demons from all hell breaking loose was the music from the headphones in my ears that provided me with the least bit of protection.
The tears I shed were no longer there, nothing left but stains those very stains you've left marked in my heart forever.

You know if you were to have asked me six years ago that I'd wake up everyday dreading the sun forcing me to wake up everyday and drag myself to the one place I'd have to see you everyday I would probably think you were joking mostly because I still had hope.. such a desire for you to finally come to your senses and realize that I was here all along but like always I was the least of your worries.

You see I was never the popular boy in school yeah I had friends that "cared" about me - you see what I did there? cared as in did- as in not anymore because there's a certain point in your life when you realize that those who were in your life won't be there anymore not because they have to but because they want to they've realized that they have better things to do then listen to your petty complaints about how you're feeling. You see they could care less as long as they're happy and I dealt with it mainly because I didn't want to be alone and I think that was one of my biggest fears being left alone because yeah I never fit in with anyone but at least I had people who wouldn't make me feel as alone as I did or so I thought.

I was always casted aside told that things would turn out right after we'd solve all their problems I was always the second choice and most of the time I never said a word. I guess you could say I was afraid that if I did they'd leave me because of what I would say. I was very self conscious after he came along I was never shy I was out going and happy but he came and destroyed me. He only mocked me and made me feel like I was special only to tear me apart in to pieces the next day it was like I was a game to him like he liked the idea that I was so into him I'd do anything because I would have there's no denying that.

Some days were hard or maybe I was just so weak and numb to everything around me. The only thing I ever wanted from the day I met him was to crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I knew if I did they'd ask me what was wrong and the only thing that would come out of my mouth would be a plain simple answer "I'm fine" even to me I could tell it was a lie that was because I wasn't as good as lying and hiding my emotions as I am today. But every time my so called friends would look at me inventively I had to immediately look away because I knew that at any moment I would burst into tears and I could never let them see me that way not after what happened before. Some did genuinely care at times and others just wanted to play the part of a good friend but I took it nevertheless desperate for anyone to listen to me to give me the comfort I needed, the shoulder to cry on but it never came.

Now here I sit a senior in high school ready to start my life as an adult and let me tell you something I am most certainly not ready at all. My minds so messed up I can't think straight. I could barely survive junior year without breaking down every five minutes. I remember countless times where I would walk into the school only to catch my mind mentally screaming at myself telling me why in the hell would I put myself through this torture. Why couldn't I just stay home and stay in bed and cry myself to death. Classes would go by so slowly. I'd stare at the clocks each and every day longing for the final bell to ring that would let me out of this hell hole and lay down in the warm feeling that is my bed and engulf myself in my endless thoughts.

Maybe life's not like that it forces you to face your problems head on. I guess I just never got the message I just wanted to stay hidden from the world from everyone. I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Period. But I guess life had different things in store for me. I just wanted this all to be over. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I was tired, but of everything and everyone, but mostly I was tired of myself. I was not who I used to be and I hated it it I hated myself for it for letting someone change me into nothing and making me feel so empty so hated so unloved. I could have a whole room full of people who cared about me but it wouldn't make a difference because I was so lost in my mind to notice.

I didn't care anymore not about myself not about my life it didn't matter to me anymore. I maintained good grades all throughout my high school years but it didn't matter to me. I had bigger dreams in mind. I guess I was just doing it for my parents. I wanted to see them happy even if I wasn't myself anymore. I always wondered if I would ever go back to being who I once was. Would he ever return or was he just a lost cause. Should I move on and let it go? Or would my past always haunt me?

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Well... Wow this is my first story on here ever
Please leave a comment telling me if you like it and if you think I should continue
I know I'm not that great but I'm trying to finally put my words into writing and I'm hoping I could do that with this book

Thanks 😊