The Gay Band Book

Words, Words, Words [Ryden]

Ryan held his phone in his hands. He stared at the screen. At the unsent text. He read over it a few times. He deleted it before locking his phone and throwing it next to him on the mattress and rolling onto his back. It wasn't good enough. None of these are the right words, he thought irritably to himself.

He picked up his phone again, unlocking it and staring at the screen before starting to form another text.

I think I'm in love with you.

Ryan shook his head. Too straightforward, not enough explaining. He backspaced it.

I feel like I care about you a lot more than you think I do.

What the fuck, Ryan?? That one didn't even make sense. Smooth.

Backspace.

Night, Bren. I love you.

Ryan frowned and erased the 'I love you'. And then, erased the whole text.

Sorry, Bren, I'm kinda tired. I'm gonna go to sleep. Text me if you need anything.

Send.

Ryan rolled back over onto his side and made sure his volume was turned all the way up before turning his phone off and trying to sleep. All he could think of was Brendon. But before he could sink into sleep, a loud text startled him. His heart was racing, and he was ready to talk Brendon off the edge if needed. Which was probably what the text was about. But he wouldn't mind.

Heya Ry. I can't sleep. So....Can we maybe call..?

Ryan smiled at his phone screen before rolling onto his back to tap out a reply.

Of course, B. Just let me get my laptop bc you know how my phone is.

*whines* but Skype camera quality is shitty af!!!!!

Yeah, and my battery percentage is low! And I'm assuming you'd want me to play my acoustic so you can fall sleep. And if I were to do that, I'd have to sit at my desk. I can't hold my phone and play at the same time. And if you wanna see my face while I play, then Skype.

Fiiiiiineee.

I'm only doing this because it's you. Now let me get on my laptop.

Kk.

"Hey, Ry?" Brendon asked quietly.

Ryan looked up at his laptop screen from his guitar playing. "Hmm?"

Brendon shyly hugged his pillow closer to him. "Could you maybe sing...?"

Ryan didn't know how to respond to that, so he sat there for a good few seconds before stammering, "Um, sure?"

Brendon smiled.

"Any requests..?"

Brendon shook his head.

"Well, okay...." Ryan scratched the back of his head nervously. "I-I'm not too confident in my singing abilities this morning, but..."

"No. No shyness," Brendon commanded, giving Ryan a pointed look.

Ryan giggled and gave a shy smile. "Well, fine..." he took a deep breath before he started to strum. This was a risky move, and he was nervous both because of singing in front of someone and the fact that this song was only kind of hinting at his actual feelings. "Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you..."

He looked up to gauge Brendon's reaction. His eyes were closed, and he showed no reaction of thinking anything about his song choice. Ryan was both relieved and disappointed.

He continued the rest of the song and Brendon seemed to be asleep. Ryan gazed at him, a soft smile taking up his face. It was at this point that Ryan felt most at peace. His best friend asleep near him, well, as near as he could be. If you asked him to explain how he felt about Brendon right now, he probably wouldn't be able to explain it. Ryan's eyes widened and he let out a gasp as realization struck him. He finally thought of how to word things.

He reached for his phone, but frowned and hesitated. Did he really want to tell Brendon how he felt? Sure, Brendon was flirty sometimes, and said things on the borderline of ""just friends"", but that was just Brendon.

Ryan picked his phone up anyways, and instead of composing a text, he wrote in his Notes. Didn't want to accidentally send it mid-draft, did he?

Sometimes when we're on Skype I just stare at you, okay, that sounds creepy but stay with me here, sometimes I just look at you and I'm overwhelmed with some sort of really strong emotion. I wouldn't call it love, but I also wouldn't put love out of the question. Does that make sense? Like...it doesn't make sense to me and it probably doesn't make sense to you...oops?

You know how sometimes home isn't a place, but a feeling or a person? Well, home is you. I could be feeling anxious or sad, but as soon as we're on Skype, I'm not anymore. I feel so fucking happy when you text me, or when we're calling. I mean, you've seen how much I smile and laugh when we're talking. And don't get me started on the stupid fucking wide-ass grin I have on my face when I get those random nice texts from you. You know the ones. It just makes me happy beyond belief when I know that I mean as much to you as you mean to me.

I care about you a hell of a lot. Whenever you get upset, I wish I could be there with you and hug you and tell you it's alright. I just want to fix all your problems. And I can't do jack shit from where I live. But if I were there with you, I'd try my dammed hardest to make sure you were okay.

I guess I realize that I do love you. It's just not the stereotypical kind of love, you know? This just feels...different. I'm pretty sure it  is different. Is this a romantic kind of love? I honestly don't know. All I know is that I really like being around you and it makes me happy that you like being around me just as much. Most people would probably classify this as just friendship love or something like that, but I've had best friends and this isn't the same sort of attraction I had with them. That's a totally different feeling. And this is a stronger, different feeling.

This probably isn't a surprise to you, is it? I like to pretend that I'm good at keeping my feelings hidden, but it's probably the opposite, right? Oops. It's hard for me to admit this, because its a lot easier to just keep my feelings to myself and not have to explain them or face awkwardness. I hope you understand this and that everything isn't ruined???

Yeah.

Um....

I care about you a lot, and that's all.

-RR

Ryan skimmed over what he wrote a few times and edited here and there before he thought it was okay.  Was he gonna send it to Brendon? Really  let him see his emotions?

He looked up at the still sleeping Brendon and smiled, a feeling of adoration swelling in his chest. Yeah, he was gonna send it. Probably in the morning, though. Right now he just wanted to fucking sleep.

He yawned and rubbed at his eyes before turning his laptop at an angle so his camera was facing his bed.

Turning the light off and diving into bed, he rolled over to face Brendon.

"Night, Bren," he whispered, smiling to himself and closing his eyes.

His dreams were filled with cute memories and hypothetical situations with Brendon.