30 Days In Rehab

Chapter Eight

Day Eight:

The numbness in my body didn't go away yet. I'm still numb over the fact, Pat is dead. Like I said, I seen it coming. I seen this happening, I just didn't want it to be true. I sit and think of all the things he could have done. The things he could have said. The things he could have been, but now I'm left in wonder.

We found out at group today that Matt has developed strong feelings for Danny. He left his name blank, but I knew who it was. Everyone knew. I think even Danny knew. They were good for each other. They could keep each other on the right track.

Catch this. Today at group, we had to draw a circle, not with lines, but with words. It had to be a swirled effect. Words that we used to self identify with. My words were all the same.

Druggie.

Scumbag.

Worthless.

Shit.

Dead.

Thin.

Addict.

You know, the usual. Emily assured me that, eventually, I will feel differently about myself. I hope she is right. I have to stop loathing in self pity and gain motivation. Surely, it will come, in due time. Today, I just wanted to get out of group. Nothing personal, I just didn't feel it. I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything.

Khloe called me. She wanted to make sure I was okay. I told her I was fine. She has a doctors appointment today, she wanted to me go, but I was unable to get the okay to do so. So, I stayed behind. I'm sure everything went fine. Khloe is a smart and strong girl. She doesn't need me to hold her hand. Even though, I really enjoy holding her hand.

Khloe is the thing that makes my life better. I told you that before, right?

Yeah, I did.

There isn't much for me to write today. I don't have much to say today. I just thought the circle thing was cool enough to share. I can't wait until we get to make another one. It's empowering.

I'm going to go to bed. I know it's only 7 at night, but I'm just not feeling it today. I want to write more, but my mind won't let me. Please, understand.

If I want to overcome this addiction, I need to do it at my own pace.

For this is my life and I will not fail it, again.