30 Days In Rehab

Chapter Twenty-One

Day Twenty One:

In this part, I don't want to discuss what happened today or, how I feel. I want to talk about something totally different, the fact that I haven't been withdrawing.

As I have said, on numerous occasions, withdrawal hurts. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. The whole nine yards.

I'm sure it is different for different addicts, but for me, it's fucking hell. My body breaks out into sweats, my heart races, I start to shake, and my body goes numb.

The sweating is one of the worse parts. No matter what the temperature is, sweat will just poor of me. It's like swimming in the ocean. It's disgusting. It starts with my palms getting sweaty. Then it makes its way to my toes. If I have time, before I start experiencing other symptoms, I have to remove as much clothes as possible. If not, then they will be ruined with the amount of sweat I produce. 

Racing of the heart is never good. Imagine being on a really scary ride. You're on a water park ride. You have to stand up, straight, and it will send you flying down at 60 miles per hour. If you are claustrophobic and or afraid of heights, imagine how hard and fast your heart races. Eventually, the ride ends and your done. In a good five minutes your heart will go back to normal. Not with withdrawal. You're heart beats 2 times faster than it normally should. It's never ending either. If you are lucky enough to be found, then the hospital will take care of it for you. However, if you are unfortunate, it doesn't stop until you die.

Withdrawal makes me shake. It makes me shake so bad. I don't know why. My body will go into shake attacks until I start seizing. When I start seizing, I literally start flopping around like a fish. It's embarrassing. Grant you, no one is giving a fuck about what they look like, when they are withdrawing, but it's still embarrassing. Sometimes, the shakes are so violent, I fall to floor, shaking the whole way down. I shake for a good ten minutes until I start seizing.

Sometimes, numbness is a good thing. During sex, when you lose feelings in your neck from the hickey you're getting. While eating an ice cream cone or Popsicle, when it becomes too cold for your lips to bear. When you go numb because of withdrawal, trust me, it's a bad thing. In my lips, I always lose feeling, I even start to drool. I lose feelings in my arms and legs so, even if I did want to get up, I couldn't. I know this is going to sound weird, but you even lose feeling in your eyes. I was so afraid one day, during withdrawal, I thought my eyes fell out. I couldn't feel them in the sockets. The entire time your eyes are rolled to the back of your head. You see, literally, nothing except for black.

However, I don't have to deal with that shit anymore. I learned how to kick this. I'm strong enough to say no. Grant you, it's going to be a long mother fucking journey, but I like the way it's going. Finally, I'm heading in the right direction.

If I'm going to do this, I can't depend on anyone. No matter how much I love them. This is my fault. My addiction. My journey. My future.

No one has got me, like I got me.

And believe me.

I'm going to have me.