Secondhand Girlfriend

.37

Hypothetically speaking, how would you feel if you got dumped a week after your year anniversary with someone? Because once you've hit a year, you've made it over a steep and rocky hill, and you're ready to tackle the rest. Then suddenly you plateau out of nowhere, you come face to face with the end of a long, rough journey. Wouldn't you be disappointed; you were so ready to keep going, but you have nothing left reach for. All that hard work, was practically a waste of time because there was nothing to be achieved. There's no going back the way you came, and you can't go forward, you're just stuck. How would you feel?

"What happened to never in a million," I cry, running my hands through my hair roughly. "What happened to I'm stuck with you, huh, what the hell happened to that?"

"Kieran, I'm sorry," Porcelain says, reaching out to grab my arm as I pace the floor.

"Don't," I say as I move away from her. "Don't touch me, it will only make it worse."

She drops her hand down to her side, and just stands in the middle of the room. I walk back and forth in front of her as I tug on the roots of my hair, frustration, stress, hurt, and anger all going into the action. What the hell did she spend a year of her life with me for, if she was just going to break up with me? A year of her life wasted with me, when she could have been doing other things than spending time with me. I was just a waste of her time, yet she was the exact opposite to mine.

When I was in that toxic cycle of running back to Lisanna every time I left, she was the reason I got out of it for good. She helped me forget what it felt like to have a broken heart, and now she's shattering it as if never meant anything to her. I was a tattered mess before she came along, and when she did, she brought a needle and thread to sow me back together. Yet here I am once again, falling apart at the seems. For the second fucking time, my heart is being torn to shreds and I can't do anything about it.

"What did I do so wrong? Tell me, why are you doing this to me, to us?"

Porcelain hesitates before she speaks, "I-I just don't think we're right for each other."

"Bullshit! We are fucking perfect together, a blind man could see it, why are you leaving me?"

"Please, you're making this harder than it needs to be."

I stop my pacing to stare at her, and do I stare hard. Me, I'm making this hard, for her? Did she expect to just say fuck our relationship and go peacefully, because she thought wrong. She's everything to me, and if I just let her go I'm left with nothing. Letting her go means so much more than just our relationship ending. It means finding bright colours disgusting sights, it means hating the rain again, yet wishing the sun would stay behind the dormant grey clouds. Losing her means, having the perfect world I built around us crumble at my feet.

"Damnit, Porcelain, I love you and being with out you is going to kill me. When I didn't see you for two months straight, I barely slept, and now you're telling me I won't see you again? How do you think I'm going to get over that," I scream, and she begins to play with her fingers.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers, but I ignore it as I continue my ranting.

"My world revolves around you, it has since the first day I met you, and you're taking away my sunshine. You want to know something funny, this whole fucking apartment smells like you. From my bed sheets to the Dove soap in the bathroom, all you. I can't put on half of my shirts or sweaters without smelling your scent, because you are that fucking woven into my life. If you leave me right now, I would be left with nothing but constant reminders of you. Constant painful fucking reminders of how I once had the love of my life right next to me, only for her to leave me a week after our first anniversary. But fuck me, you know, because my heart is just a toy that people pick up to play with and throw away once it's been used enough."