Nerds in Love//Cashton

Cal

Word Count: 1245

[TRIGGER WARNING]

I cried into Michael's shoulder, feeling my breaths become and shorter and more rapid. I clenched the fabric of his sweater into my fists and felt myself gasping for air as my chest was beginning to tighten.

"Mi...Mi...Mik...ey..." I sputtered.

"Calum?" I looked into Michael's eyes, reflecting my own fear. I gasped for air again and Michael seemed to unfreeze. "Calum. I need you to take deep breaths with me, okay? Can you do that for me?"

I nodded, cringing knowing study hall was starting meaning kids were probably coming in any minute.

"Breathe in, hold for four seconds," We held our breath for four seconds. "Now breathe out. breathe in, hold for four seconds, breathe out."

My grip of Michael's sweater loosened, calming down as we did this several times. I hated panic attacks, they always wore me out and left me scared out of my mind. This was the second one I had this week, I don't know how much more I could take.

"You okay?" I nodded, and gulped as I heard a group of giggling girls pass our aisle. "Let's grab our stuff and head to the back. Luckily we have study hall first."

After grabbing both of our backpacks, Michael lead us to the back corner of the library. We sat down and Michael took out his homework while I just put my head in my arms, trying to relax my tense body.

"Cal, don't worry about it." My head snapped up.

"Don't worry? Michael, he looked angry." I shuttered at his face. That was something I never wanted to see again. Michael's face softened as he patted my hand.

"I'm sure he'll come through." I only nodded and held his hand while he used his other to finish his homework.

-

When I boarded the bus,  Ashton sat down at the very front and refused to share eye contact with me. I gulped and chose a few seats behind him. The last time Ashton and I got into a fight, it was over who's house we were gonna stay at for the night back in first grade. My mum ended taking us bowling for the day and settled the argument. I shook my head and looked out the window as the bus pulled away from the school. 

I didn't know how Ashton would find out anyway. The only person I told was Michael. I wasn't sure if Luke knew because I didn't exactly tell him. Michael would never tell Ashton. He knows how upset I've been for the passed several days. I sighed and closed my eyes, feeling the tears drip down my cheeks. I couldn't believe this was happening. it seems as if everything was going okay until this morning. Michael did end up sleeping over and we went to school early as my mum drove us into school on her way to work.

My eyes snapped open as we approached our stop. I smiled at the bus driver and thanked her as I got off the bus. I walked behind Ashton and watched as he stormed to his house. I drooped my head as I walked into my quiet house, letting the door shut softly behind me. As soon as I hard the door shut, I let out a loud scream. I ran up to my room, slamming the door. With the swipe of an arm I knocked my books off my desk and threw the framed pictures I had on my dresser against the wall next to my door. I went into my bathroom that was connected to my bedroom.

[TRIGGER]"HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY KNOW?!" I screamed. A sob racked my body as I collapsed to the floor. After everything we've been through, after everything Ashton and I did together. After everything I've felt this passed week, I couldn't take it anymore. I reached into the shower grabbing my razor, I used tweezers to pull out the blade. Staring at the blade, I placed against the skin of my wrist. I winced as I dragged it across my wrist, the pain blossoming in my stomach and chest numbed slightly.

I cut several more times before flinging the blade away from me, horrified of what I had done. I could feel my wrist throbbing from the cuts I made and it hurt really bad. Standing up, I carefully stripped myself of my clothes and started the shower. When the water reached my preferred temperature, I got in, flinching at the burning pain. 

How could I be so stupid? I thought to myself. A fresh wave of tears fell down my face in a steady flow as I backed myself into the corner of the shower, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Wha...what's wrong with me?" I murmured to myself just as a sob escaped my lips. I'm a mess. Surely no one would miss me, especially Ashton.

"Calum?" I heard a voice call from just outside my bathroom door. I froze, stifling a sob and turned off the water. I quickly got out, throwing away the razor and blade and was relieved to see most of the blood on my arm washed away. I quickly threw on my black skinny jeans and sweatshirt before slowly opening the door.

"A...Ashton?"

-

I tugged at my sleeves as Ashton and I sat down on my sofa.

"I just wanted to apologize, Cal." I nodded, feeling a tight knot form in my stomach. "I think I was way overreacting and it wasn't...."

I looked up and noticed Ashton looking down at my sleeve. "What?"

"Why do you keep pulling at your sleeve?" I shrugged.

"I...I'm cold..." Ashton shook his head.

"Nice try. It's like 15 {Celsius} out. You wouldn't be wearing a sweatshirt." Ashton absentmindedly yanked at my arm, which caused me to flinch, and pulled up my sleeve. Ashton let out a sharp gasp and I froze, tears spilling down my cheeks.

"Stop it, Ashton." I pulled my arm away and started crying as Ashton looked up at me with a mix of horror and sadness.

"No. When did this happen?" I shook my head and Ashton grabbed at my hands. "When did you do this, Cal?"

"To...today." I whimpered. Ashton squeezed my hands.

"I...is this what you meant? Is this what you meant by you being sad?" At first I didn't answer, but Ashton squeezed at my hands. I nodded and covered my mouth with a hand as I choked on a sob. I squeezed my eyes shut and let Ashton pull me into his arms. 

I buried my face in his neck as I cried louder. I could feel his body shuttering as we gripped onto each other.

We sat like that for what seemed like hours before we pulled away.

"Calum. Why?"

"Because I'm a mess. An...and..." I sighed. I didn't have nay tears left.

"Cal." Ashton brought my to the upstairs bathroom and sat me on the toilet. "I'm putting a band-aid on your cuts. I don't want them to get infected."

I nodded and rolled up my sleeve again so Ashton could take care of my cuts. "Th...thanks."

"Well, that's what friends are for, right?" Ashton smiled, and I nodded again. 

Once everything was cleaned up, Ashton lead me to my room and got my bed all ready. I changed into some pjs and smiled graciously at Ashton.

"I'll do you homework tonight so you don't have to worry about it."

"Thank you, Ash."

"No problem, buddy." He grinned. When he finished tucking me in, Ashton leaned in slowly and kissed my forehead, lingering for a couple seconds before pulling away. "Goodnight, Cal."

"Goodnight, Ash."