Nerds in Love//Cashton

Cal

Word Count: 966
I gulped guilty, knowing I wasn't telling Ashton the complete truth. I was in love with him, and he made me happy, but something still didn't feel...right. I still had the urges, but I didn't dare take action, it would just break Ashton's little heart, and I couldn't do that to him.

A timer went off and Ashton pulled away to finish making dinner. I grabbed dishes and silverware and set the able with Lauren.

"Harry! Dinner!" Ashton called out as he was serving our dinner. With my head in my hand, I looked up at Ashton in adoration. He was so gorgeous and I couldn't believe he was now mine. Days of torture to being somewhat peaceful. I struggled slightly with my sexuality since year 9, but it didn't really become stressful until now.

"Calum..." I looked up to see Ashton smiling at me. "You gonna eat?"

"Oh, right, yeah." I nibbled on my bread. I noticed Lauren looking at me and I suddenly felt very self conscious. I looked down at my pasta, spreading the sauce around as I heard someone kick someone's leg.

"How are you feeling, Cal?" Lauren suddenly spoke up. I froze. What did she mean?

"Wha...what do you mean?"

"You know, you haven't been feeling well lately. Just making sure you're....ow." Ashton kicked her under the table. Looking over at him, Ashton offered a weak smile that I didn't return. I just looked down at my food and began eating at the pasta.

"I'm fine." Suddenly the phone rang and Ashton jumped up to get it.

"Are you sure, Cal? Because, if you need anything, I could..."

"I said I'm fine, Lauren." I dropped my fork on my plate and got up to go to my room. My appetite no longer a problem. I shut my door and leaned against the door to listen.

"Where did Calum go?" Ashton asked, sounding worried. I felt slightly guilty, but I no longer cared.

"I dunno, he just left." Harry stated.

"Maybe the bathroom?" Lauren offered. A quiet 'shit' escaped Ashton's lips.

"Mum is home, so, it's time for us to get going. You all finished with dinner?" There was a silence which indicated that they shook their heads. I heard them chatting quietly as they finished their meals. I felt my stomach knot up in guilt as I heard them picking up.

Tears spilled down my cheeks as I hugged my knees to my chest. Why do I let things get to me? Why does Ashton have to go around telling people things? Why does he always assume things? A small sob left my body as I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my forehead against my knees.

[Trigger]Why was I the way that I am? With a small sigh, I went to the bathroom, taking a blade from my razor. Placing the blade on the skin of my arm, with a shaking hand, I carefully pulled it across my wrist, closing my eyes at the relieving pain. I cried softly as I cut several more times over the healing skin. I hated doing this, but the pain was relieving from all of the pain I was feeling in my mind and chest.

I flung the blade away from me and hugged my knees up to my chest once again, crying into my knees. Several minutes went by before I heard the front door open and shut.

"Ca...Calum?" My heart skipped a beat. Ashton couldn't see me like this, then he'll know I was lying to him. I thought about standing up, but before I could even move, the bathroom door flung open and Ashton gasped. "CALUM, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!"

A sob escaped my lips as I tried to crawl away from him, my arm throbbing in pain. "I'm...I'm sorry, Ash. P...please don't hate me!"

"Cal..." Ashton's voice cracked as he dropped to the ground, pulling me into him. I grabbed at him, trying crawl away from him. His grip around me tightened and I slumped against him, feeling defeated. "Why would you do this? You lied, Cal."

"I...I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" I continued to cry into Ashton, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. "P...please don't hate m...me."

"Don't say that, baby. I love you."

"I'm sorry." I cried even harder.

"Calum..." Ashton's sentence was cut off as he began sobbing too. "Calum, please....please don't keep hurting yourself, baby."

"I...I'm trying. I'm trying, Ashton, but it hurts. P...please make it stop."

"Shh-hh." Calum held my head in one hand as he stroked my back with the other. "It's okay. You're...you're okay."

"I'm re...really sorry, Ashton." I said after we cried for a while.

"Why are you sorry?" Ashton asked. He tried to pull away to look me in the eye, but I clung to him.

"Be...because I promised you I was better and...and I lied." Ashton sighed and hugged me tight. "I'm trying. I really am."

"I believe you, baby. I believe you."

"Are...are you mad at me?" I asked quietly. Ashton sighed.

"Of course I'm not. I'm a little disappointed, but I'm more worried and guilty than anything." My head shot up.

"Why are you guilty?"

"Because I can't believe I made you feel so sad that you did this." Ashton eyes watered and I kissed him on the lips quickly.

"It was more than that, Ash." I pressed my forehead against his as he smiled a real smile. One that lights up his whole face.

"I love you, Calum. I hope you know that."

"I do."

"And know that no matter what, I'll do anything I can to help you." I blushed and buried my face in his neck.

"I love you."