Gold And Coal (Ryden AU)

2.4 ◇ Brother

"Ry! Ryan! Wake up!"

I groaned as I was disturbed from my sleep and pulled my blanket further up to my chin.

"Ryyyan," Jon whispered again, this time gently prodding my shoulder with his finger.

"What?" I muttered, annoyance prominent in my voice.

"Get up," he ordered, pulling the blanket off me and exposing my tired body to the cold air. I hissed and tried to pull it back, but Jon took hold of my wrists, preventing me from moving my hands any where close to the blanket.

Giving in, I untangled myself from Brendon's grip, muttering incoherent words and stumbled out of the room after my friend.

"What the hell?" I asked, my voice still rough and clouded with sleep.

"Yeah, right back at you," Jon answered, pushing me down to sit on his bed before sitting down opposite of me. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I was sleeping until you decided to drag me out of bed in the middle of the night."

"Don't try and be smart with me, kid, you know what I mean," Jon growled, his eyes glinting in the reflected light of the candle burning next to us.

I didn't answer him, merely stared at the wall behind him. He wouldn't understand. This was between me and Brendon.

"Ry... please, talk to me. What's going on?" He tried a more gentle approach, his voice softening.

"We... we fixed things. Kind of. For now," I murmered.

"He ripped your heart out of your chest and left it rotting in a ditch for a year."

"I.. he explained."

Jon sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Ryan, you don't owe him anything. Z and I have told you that a million times! I don't get it, the things he said to you? How can you still let him back so easily? How can you still bare the sight of him? Do you think that lowly of yourself?"

I didn't answer. He was right. In a way. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him I didn't want him anymore. Because that would be the biggest lie I had ever told.

I'm addicted to him, addicted to his laugh, his smile, the way his eyes twinkle and how he looks at me. The way my skin tingles every time his fingers glide across it. The way my heart flutters every time I look at him.

But didn't that mean I was addicted to all the pain this brought with it aswell? I guess that's just how we are. Humans.

Addiction starts with pain, and ends with pain, for we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain.

I felt trapped inside my mind. There were two forces pulling me in opposite directions; trying to get me to listen, to get me to understand what was best. But I wasn't satisfied with either. It was like choosing between two types of poison. Both would end up destroying you, but took different paths to get to the goal.

"How... how can you be so sure he's gonna hurt me again?" I asked, hugging my knees tightly and biting my lip, trying to ignore the swirl of emotions and thoughts that tried to force me to set them free through my eyes.

"Because that's what he does. He's lied to you all this time. All he ever does is lie. Do you really think he'll just stop all of a sudden? People don't change, Ryan. They go in circles, repeating the mistakes they made over, and over again. He'll lie to you again. And you'll forgive him again. Until there's nothing left of you. Until he reduces you to a miserable being, when you have no power to change anything anymore. I don't want that to happen, Ry. You're my friend. Hell, you're more than that. You're my brother. And I don't want to see you as upset as last year ever, ever again, understand?"

I stared up at him in surprise. I didn't know he felt that strongly about me, I didn't know anyone cared about me that much.

"What if I'm miserable without him? I know I am. The past year was proof of that. There's this emptiness inside of me, and I can't fill it. Only he can. He makes me happy, in a way," I softly explained, not sure if I was making any sense at all. At this point, I wasn't trying to convince Jon anymore, I was trying to convince myself.

"I don't know, Ry. There might be someone else out there that could fill it. But you won't know unless you try and find out. I don't want to tell you what to do, but please, consider my advice. If you take him back, you have to be completely sure you want to."

He sent me a small, comforting smile and I returned it, thanking whatever was watching over me for this boy.

I didn't return to Brendon's side that night. I didn't curl up against him and pretend everything was alright. Jon was right, if I was going to do this, I had to have my thoughts completely sorted and not scattered all over England.

Instead, I stayed in the other room, snuggled up in one of Jon's blankets and sorting my thoughts, listening to Jon's snores beside me.

If I was going to do this properly, it meant I couldn't have him distracting me. I wasn't going to push him away, but I wasn't going to continue like nothing had happened either.

We were going to be friends, for now. Just friends. Without the special.

~

You're the blood of my blood
We can get through it all

Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you're feelin' low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

~