Journal

Drowning

Sometimes it just feels like you're drowning,
Whether in sorrow or silt,
In guilt or grime,
In hurt or hate,
Sometimes when I'm in the shower it hits me,
Harder than anything else in this world,
My knees go weak,
My eyes dull,
I turn the hot water to boil,
It scalds my skin but it's too late,
I'm too far gone to try and come back,
I curl up,
Defensive and yet so vulnerable,
My heart soaked and battered,
I can't tell if it's water or tears that slide down my cheeks,
I grit my teeth to help the pain,
My cuts burn with the agony of regret,
Time seems to stop as the sobbing racks my body,
I can't breathe.
Therefore I drown.
In sorrow
In guilt
In pain
In regret
In heartbreak
The ground beneath me quakes with the unsteady shuffling of my feet,
I stumble to the nozzle,
Once the curtain is opened the foggy mirror shows a monster,
Everything I hate in this life stares back at me,
The lifeless husk of what was once happy in your arms,
Now dangles mangled and bleeding,
My body sags as the hateful words are spit from my dry cracked lips,
"Look at yourself, you're disgusting"
And I believe it,
Because there are only two people in this world that I can trust to be honest to me,
Her and I,
She's gone so now things are simple,
I repeat the words,
Over and over,
Until the anger subsides to sadness,
My eyes once blue now are stained with the cold grey of solemn hurt,
My skin tinged red with the burns of heated water,
My jaw slacks,
The words stop and I muster the empty courage to look away,
The horrible monster is gone and replaced with the empty dark hallway of the house before me,
Shambling only as far as the bedroom,
I take my last resort,
My peace maker,
My eternal slumber,
The pills slide down my throat,
And I pass away into nothingness,
A somber grin spreads across my face,
It's ok now,
No more pain,
No more worries,
No one to miss me,
Finally bliss,
And I drown in my sins.