Change of Hearts

Chapter 18

St. Luke's Medical Center, 8PM

The silence is killing me.

Kalahating oras na kaming nakaupo ni Kiefer dito sa cafeteria ng ospital, pero wala pa ring nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. Lumamig na 'yong kape na inorder n'ya, and wala pa ring bawas 'yong pagkain ko. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang s'ya, nakatingin sa kawalan. Hindi ko maintindihan 'yong nararamdaman ko; ilang beses nang dumaan 'yong "Bakit?" sa utak ko pero wala akong natatanggap na sagot.

Ang gulo. Ang sakit.

Kinuha ko 'yong kanang kamay n'ya, medyo kumirot 'yong puso ko kasi naramdaman ko na nagdalawang-isip s'ya. He almost took his hand away.

"Iche-check ko lang sana 'yong sugat mo.." mahina kong sabi. Nag-soften 'yong mukha n'ya, then he nodded. Kinuha ko sa bag ko 'yong kit para palitan 'yong gasa. Dahan-dahan kong tinanggal 'yong luma and ininspect ko 'yong sugat na nakuha n'ya no'ng last challenge ng Amazing Race.

"Sabihin mo kung masakit ha.." I told him habang ina-apply ko 'yon ointment.

"Masakit.."

Tiningnan ko s'ya, and I know he what he means. I looked down and continued tending to his wounds. No'ng natapos ako, tahimik kong inayos yong kit, and I gave it to him.

"Tatagal pa siguro nang ilang araw 'yong mga gamit d'yan, Kief. Don't forget to change 'yong gasa twice a day, and 'yong ointment. You need avoid soda and processed foods muna. Fruits and vegetables, whole grains, dairy, eggs and meat muna para mabilis na gumaling." paalala ko sa kan'ya.

"Why does it feel like all of these things are your way of saying goodbye, Alyssa?"

I drew a sharp breath, then I looked at him, trying to make him understand. 

"Tita Mozzy talked to me, and she said Thirdy is asking if I can be with him while he's recuperating."

For a moment, he looked away, I know he's trying to understand everything. I wanted to hug him, tell him things that can take away the pained look on his face, but I found myself glued on my seat. He's so near, but it feels like suddenly, we're worlds apart.

"Do you remember, Ly? You told me to not let go," he whispered. "I said I won't. My fault is I didn't ask you if you will do the same."

I felt tears threatening to fall so I looked up so they won't. I have to be strong. For him. For us.

"Kiefer, I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing this for us. Believe it or not, I will always choose you. Huwag mo naman sana akong pagdudahan."

"Then stay out of this Ly. Let my family fix this. You don't have to do this."

"But I want to, Kiefer. If being with Thirdy means he will heal as soon as possible, then I will. So we will not further hurt him when he's already in too much pain right now."

"What about me, Ly? Tingin mo ba hindi ako nasasaktan ngayon?" I saw him wiping his tears and I felt mine flowing down now. "Why does it feel like loving you now means being selfish? Why does it feel like trying to take you out of this situation means I'm being the worst brother here on Earth?"

"Kiefer.."

"You don't have to do this for my family.." he repeated. I shook my head, reaching out to him, wiping his face.

"Kiefer, I love you." I told him, softly. "And part of loving you is loving your family. Someday, we'll going to figure out why is this happening to us but I know, this will not change anything I feel for you. Do you love me enough to trust me?"