I'm A Loser

And I Love Her

It was the day of the funeral and John and Paul were getting ready. Paul had gone into their bathroom to shower and get dressed, John had just changed in their room. John was trying to get his tie on when he heard Paul come out of the bathroom. He looked up t the younger man.

"Paul, you look...stunning." John said admiring his lover.

"Thanks, John. I'd only do the best for you and your family." Paul replied.

"Ya need help with that tie?" Paul asked with a giggle trying to brighten the mood.

John nodded and Paul fixed his tie. They were face to face. Paul fixed it up and said, "There ya go, Love." And Paul kissed him.

"Thanks, Macca." John said.

John grabbed a guitar pic Julia had given him and tucked it in his blazer pocket.

"Are you ready to go, John?" Paul asked calmly.

John nodded not wanting to go.

"C'mon, Love." Paul said as he grabbed John's hand and led him down the stairs. George and Liz were waiting for them on the couch.

"You guys look amazing." Liz said wearing a black dress with a black flower on the strap on her shoulder. George was in black too.

"Shall we go?" George asked.

Everyone nodded and they got in George's car. It was a silent car ride to the place of the funeral. George and Liz walked in first while Paul and John stayed outside for a few minutes.

"Paul?" John murmured.

"Yes love?" Paul asked.

"I-I don't wanna go in." John admitted already getting teary eyes.

"John you have to. It'll be over before you know it, alright?" Paul tried to calm him.

"Really?" John asked holding Paul's hand.

"I promise." Paul said. "Now come on."

The two walked in to the small building. There weren't many people here but that seemed to suit the occasion. Everyone sat down and listened to the people talking. Mimi talked and a few others people. John wanted to go up but he didn't have the nerve. While Mimi was talking John's head was in Paul's lap the whole time crying softly. The end of the ceremony was near and everyone lined up to say their last 'goodbye' to Julia in her open casket. John and Paul went last. The line moved slowly. But when the two finally reached Julia, Paul blew her a kiss and said goodbye. John reached into his pocket and pulled out the guitar pic. He kissed it and placed it in the hand of his dead mother.

"I love you." He whispered and waved to her for the last time.

John tried to walk away but he couldn't.

"John. It's time to go." Paul whispered.

John ignored him and leaned over the casket and cried.

"Johnny...c'mon Love." Paul said trying to coax John to leave.

This only made John cry more and all of a sudden John screamed.

"MUMMY!" He cried, breaking the silence of the room.

Everyone turned to John in shock. John looked up to find everyone staring at him. He scanned the room and looked at Paul. John ran out of the room and sat in the corner of the reception area. His head was buried in his knees and tears were running down his face.

He began to have flashbacks of when he had to choose between living with his father or mother. His flashbacks stopped when someone's hand touched his shoulder.

"John? Are you alright?" Paul asked him.

John looked at him with tears running down his face and he stared into Paul's eyes as if he was expecting some news that this wasn't happening. Paul offered his hand for John to get up. He did but immediately collapsed into Paul's grasp. He cried onto Paul's shoulder getting his suit all wet. Paul gently put his hand on the back of John's head and tried to quiet him.

"It gets better, I promise." Paul whispered.

"Tell me it isn't happening, Paul! Tell me this is just a nightmare! Please, Paul!" John cried.

"John... I'm afraid I-I can't tell you that." Paul said devastated.

"You're lying!" John shouted. "This isn't real! This is some sick joke isn't it? ISN'T IT?!" John screamed.

Paul moved his hand down John's cheek and shook his head. "I'm sorry, John."

"No! No! NO!" John screamed as his trembling hands went towards his face.

All of a sudden John punched Paul in the face. Paul stumbled back a few steps and discovered that his nose was bleeding and his lip was too.

"John, what's the matter with you?!" Paul exclaimed with his blood on his hand.

John seemed to have just comprehended what he had just done.

"Did I..?" John asked.

Paul nodded but said it was alright.

"I-I'm sorry." John said in shock.

"It's fine, John. It's not your fault."

"... I'm going mad." John blurted out.

"What? No you're not." Paul said.

"I am. I'm going bloody insane." John said.

"It's just a phase, John. You'll be alright." Paul replied.

"C'mon guys, time to head out."

George said as he and Liz came over.

They nodded and they all went back home. John went straight to his room and laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling.