Pages of Unexpectedness

Math Life Struggles and Venting

I had an online math quiz assigned by my college math teacher. A simple 8-question 20-minuted timed quiz. Sounds easy, right?
Somehow, even if I'm working the whole time, I'm always too slow on these timed tests. I have no idea why. 

On the quiz I just finished taking, I left 2 blank and then an additional 2 wrong, a 50% grade I definitely don't need for a class I'm already struggling to stay above floodwaters in.

On the last math test, I also scored a 45% because it was a roughly 30 question test and I ended up leaving TEN!!!! questions blank. 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to make at least a B in this class to meet my college program's expectations. If I make a C, I'll definitely get academic probation and parental disapproval and decrease my likelihood of entering the college of my choice. If I make a D, I could even be kicked out of my scholarship...!

We're basically HALFWAY through the semester. And my grade?
Currently a failure of 56%.

I'm really panicking but it's the type of panic where I don't know really what to do and I feel frustrated to the point where I just want to GIVE UP but I know if I do that, I could potentially lose something INCREDIBLY important, my scholarship.

*stress / stress / stress*

I am very thankful for this five-day weekend and that it's only Friday.

Hopefully, this means I can use tomorrow and the day afterwards for additional studying and work.

But still... even then, I feel so-very-dug-in-deep.

I know I'm not the very worst in the class, but come on, one of my best friends made a 95 on the test I only scored 45 on. That's literally a FIFTY POINT DIFFERENCE. There are no excuses for my terrible math skills when I'm not using my resources enough.

I just... feel like crying if I can't do it myself. I often end up crying when asking people for math help because I feel so horrible when everyone else gets it but I don't. As a result, I avoid asking for help even moreso when I'm the only one that doesn't get it. Like, you might be like, "Oh! Just ask your 95% friend to help you out!" She doesn't really realize it, but she's the type to make others feel bad when she tries to teach them something because of her "this is easy" mentality and makes you feel a lot smaller. 

 I have another really smart friend who'd be worth asking, but I've never been with her outside of school other than birthday parties and it's hard to catch her in-school.

We have something called TRF's which would be perfect for this situation, but everyone is always yelling and it's so hard to focus in such a loud environment and when presenting in front of the class, I often just feel really judged, whether it's in my head or not.

I have a loving stepdad who lives with me who's an engineer, which translates to "super math genius dude," but he's always working and out doing something productive and to hold him back would be throwing a sledgehammer into his tighter-than-an-anorexic-model's-waist schedule. I also feel really embarrassed to cry in front of him. 

I suppose that I need to ask more questions, but I can't ask a question when I don't even get a single thing in the first place. All I could ask if "uh... can you... just start over?" when we're already on a busy class schedule. I'd look like I just never was paying attention in the first place. 

Believe it or not, if I ask questions, that's a sign I 99% get it. If I only 19% get it, it doesn't mean I quadruple my questions. I panic so much that I just keep completely silent. And sometimes, the pressure makes me... cry. Yeah. I know. I'm a crybaby. Leastways I can always squeak the "I'm only hormonal!" excuse which covers up the fact that I'm actually just pretty emotionally vulnerable.

I suppose my solutions are now is to 

1. GO CRAZY WITH THE MATH HOMEWORK. Actually get it done and stay on top of it. Our math professor, no offense to her since I understand she has extremely limited class time, is barely able to teach a thing. All we do is write stuff down but don't absorb anything. So how would I learn? By doing math homework outside of school.

2. utilize my high school math teacher, Mr. Gasses, who is often available for after-school tutoring. He has a rare atmosphere which gives off a stress-free vibe and somehow he makes everything seem really easy, unlike our math professor who just kinda jumbles methods together and somehow mixes it to the point it's difficult to learn.

3. Ask my brainy classmates (but only the ones I know won't make me feel bad) for help during our AVID or study periods

4. Try to use Tutorial Learning Center tutors at my college campus. I admittedly avoid that solution, though, because as earlier stated, I kind of... cry when I feel under a lot of pressure (which math definitely pushes on me) and I prefer not to cry in front of total strangers. Also, the whole fear-of-asking-questions-when-confused is only multiplied when with a stranger, so they could tutor me, show me what to do, and I'd still be super lost because I couldn't open my mouth as soon as I had a problem.

To be honest, though I cried writing some of this, it was a pretty good stress-reliever to get those feelings out and to even record some goals for the future. I pray my math grades raise and I push myself more and more into the world of ~HOMEWORK!~ ... ugh.

I'm only actually going to college because it's just... well... what you're just supposed to do. And my parents push it, and my role is to obey and serve them. It's certainly far from a bad thing since it'd help me on the job market, but I don't even know what I want to do in life. I mean, I can't really force a relationship, but I plan on hopefully getting married and then just spending the rest of my life growing closer to Jesus Christ and being a mother and housewife. That would be, to me, more honorable than any career out there.

(Ironically, though, being as disgusting, unhygienic, messy, and flawed-at-cleaning as I am, you'd think that'd I'd put more effort into being a better housekeeper as of right now, right? But NOPE I STRUGGLE SO HARD AHAHAHAA)

I struggle at both grades and housework. I have NO idea whatsoever what my future holds. I keep telling myself this is a good thing because this leaves room for wherever my God would choose to lead me. But if I'm pretty bad with both simple physical tasks AND simple mental tasks, what does my future hold for me?

I suppose I can justify this thought with "I am still only a growing, immature teenager who is not an adult yet and it's good to have room to improve and learn."

I gotta keep my peace, my chin held high, and remember that whatever happens to me or my family, my God will carry me through.

I'm just still a "worrywart," though, you know?