Pages of Unexpectedness

Post Election Day & Emo Grumblings

Yesterday, I was positively convinced Hillary Clinton was going to become the next president of the United States because of her massive popularity. I found a bit of a shock when I discovered this morning our new, soon-to-be president, Donald Trump. Then again, I have more pro-Clinton friends than pro-Trump friends, which probably influenced my false belief in Trump's loss.

I really do quite dislike the both of them about equally. My ears are sick of pro-candidate and anti-candidate comments that usually (NOT ALWAYS) lack adequate support but rather are just recycled media stuff.

I comfort myself that "It'll be over soon," but the "Thanks Obama" meme had at least three years of popularity after our current president was voted in. 

I suppose I am just overreacting, though. The president of the United States is arguably the most powerful person on the earth. Of COURSE people are bound to care about who's the dude with the title. Plus, people prefer to be educated and in the know, unlike me who'd rather stay out of the whole shamblamo. 

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This is everyone in the nation right now. Donald Trump supporters who are still shocked by how many people support the wicked Clintons. Hillary Clinton supporters who are still shocked by the loss to the disgusting Trumps. Then there's those who don't care, who are just exhausted and waiting for political turmoil to blow over.

On a more positive note, today was the first day I tried out the paleo diet my South Carolinian parents are so very fond of. My stepdad, Neil, rarely breaks it and wholeheartedly believes in paleo power. My mother breaks it often and just wants to lose weight and stop looking pregnant. For those of you who do not know, the paleo diet basically runs off the basis you can't eat what can't be acquired by a caveman, or at least quoted from my stepdad. My mom and I both told him that if that's the standard, it sounded stupid. But here's the official actual regulations: no dairy, no grain (ex: bread, pasta, rice), no starch (ex: potatoes), no processed foods (ex: most fast foods). Sooo... there goes 75% of my diet.

Neil's on the paleo diet because he wants to stay in shape. He's HUGE on working out, waking up at 4 AM every morning just so he can get his daily routine in at the YMCA before he goes to work. Mom's on the paleo diet because of her desire to lose weight and be healthier. She's definitely not fat, but she says she looks four months pregnant and life insurance companies want to charge her double what they should be charging. (I recently found out life insurance companies alter their prices for someone if they look like they are more likely to die, like a fat person.) Also, having an incredibly fit husband probably makes her cute but flabby self feel a wee bit insecure. However, I have different motivations. This rooted from a conversation from my mom. She has a lot of cheat days where she messes up her progress. I told her the trick is to fill yourself up with paleo-good foods so that if she's full, she can't crave other substances. She told me sharply, "Then you do it."

So here I am! I'm doing it in hopes that by being an ally, I can motivate my mother and support her. 

Day One: so far so good. Had a fruit smoothie for breakfast, deer meat and fruit & carrots for lunch, more deer meat and pecan spinach kale salad for dinner.

WAIT A MINUTE

RANCH DRESSING HAS DAIRY

I BROKE IT

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGH

I CAN'T EVEN LAST ONE DAY

HHHHhhhhHHH''---

Ahem, I mean

All is not lost. It's okay to cheat if it's just a tiny bit. Ranch dressing should hold no harm.

Other life events: I told Neil I'd exercise with him. By the time I walked in, his video was already 4/5ths over. I still joined him for the last part, and boy, was it exhausting. 

My mom just now spoke to me about a sin I've been tiptoeing around and originally didn't want me to tell her, but my lack of improvement is making her want to know so that she can help me. (Hint: my sin is my major lust problem I keep thinking I got under control only for my head to think more nasty thoughts when I'm least expecting it. Don't worry; I'm not gonna talk about it.)

I began slightly hyperventilating and she just kinda comforted me, telling me I didn't have to freak out. I just repeated, "Not tonight. Not ready."

I just...

I KNOW 100% that my parents would still definitely love me if I told them about my lust, my sexuality doubts, my disgusting past internet activities, and... and my ex-girlfriend. I know they'd be able to help me and guide me to make the right decisions. I truly believe in them and that fact.

BUT BOYYYYY, does the thought freaking TERRIFY THE HECK OUT OF ME. The looks of shock and disbelief on their faces? Perhaps betrayal, disgust, or more likely, sadness? Though admittedly, mainly talking about my mom here; Neil usually keeps a pokerface about everything unless he's cracking a joke. Every time I got close to doing it, I'd back out. I've scheduled to tell them, I've PLANNED for it. I planned to come out July 12th of this year, 2016, but I backed out with the excuse "It's okay if I don't tell them as long as I fix it and never ever do anything like that again." I really genuinely want to do this. But I can't... can't even imagine. I've cried thinking about it and feel intense nausea. 

It is my worst fear other than my family literally dying. That fear is them finding out about all... all the crap I've done. If any of you have ever read my dream journal, you've seen that I've had multiple nightmares relating to it (most of which aren't even recorded; I had one about a week ago I never got around to writing down). 

I'd be okay if every single person in the world knew about every sin I've ever committed as long as my mother and my stepfather never found out. It definitely has a toll on me, but I can somewhat handle anyone else's spite and hatred for me. But them? The slightest disapproval can be enough to make me drop into a fetal position and cry. 

It's like looking off of a giant diving board that's a dizzying height. You look over the edge, your vision blurring as you feel the urge to puke. You know you'll HAVE to jump; there's people behind you on the ladder so you can't climb down. You know jumping will be better for the long run; you'll conquer a fear and become an encouragement for others. But yet you're scared shizzless. 

Or perhaps an enormous needle for a blood sample that you know would only help you. Temporary pain for an enormous benefit.

Temporary pain for an enormous benefit.

Temporary pain for an enormous benefit.

But gosh. Does that pain hurt worse than anything.

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Goodnight, guys. I love you all and I pray that we stay protected in these difficult times. God bless.