Pages of Unexpectedness

Life Update: Mood Swing Mayhem Sucks

With this, I am not writing with any particular goal in mind. I am just typing out some of my thoughts as of my life recently. 

I don't really know how to describe life right now. Especially as a teenager, I am constantly growing and changing in all sorts of ways. That's good. But along with my own change, I see change in the world around me, most noticeably my relationships.

I constantly struggle with learning to think of others before myself. I recognize the importance of seeing things from others' points of views but, unluckily, I am often so self-oriented that it's difficult for me to understand or see other people's views even when I am trying.

I've been unfortunately feeling a lot of friendship problems lately. There's... been a change of atmosphere. I analyze myself, wondering if I have anything to do with it or if I can somehow make things better or change it. I'm trying. I don't want to lose the closeness I share with the people who mean so much to me.

There are some negativities my friends do that have been affecting me more and more as my patience bank empties out more and more. I notice the subtle changes as they intensify in quantity and I wonder what I can do. But what CAN I do? As hard as I can try, I can't tie people down to me. Talk about a [toxic] relationship.

It's not that I'm LOSING friends by any means. I have many friends, thank God. I just am feeling like I'm losing... closeness?

It's great to have many friends who you can be with and enjoy. But not every friend shares a closeness with you, the closeness you specially share with what I'd call a BEST friend. Someone who surpasses the others in relationship.

But the people I have always called my 'best friends' have just been so distant. Some always have been. Some are more recent.

Whenever a friend becomes distant, I just have others to thankfully fall back on. But it feels like the carpet has just continuously been tugged out from under my feet.

I talk to my mom about often since it's always floating around in my head. She reminds me of how people, especially teens, are always changing and that as a Christian, I am destined for persecution. 

I comfort myself knowing that I don't NEED people or friends to be happy. But they still help a lot, y'know? Though I kind of stumble and keel over trying, my successes more-than-likely outweighed by my numerous failures, I DO enjoy and always try my best to make friends and stay a good friend.

I often wonder how much I am responsible for. Being so feeling-oriented and obliviously blunt, I have no idea how much I have harmed my more-sensitive friends. Every little thing I feel upset over, I have done to my friends before myself.

Should I re-evaluate who I should spend my time with? 

How am I supposed to think it's not my fault when I notice how I've suddenly become the least-favored of our group?

What have I done? What can I do?

All I can do is let it go, I suppose. I can't selfishly cling and FORCE people to like me out of their own guilt, which at this point, I wouldn't doubt is what is going on.

The signs are showing me, pushing me, to move on. But somehow, I feel like I'd be the rejecting one by doing so. 

I guess I know what to do.
Just don't want to do it.

On other notes, I went to Nana's house today. (Nana is Italian for grandma.) Nana has a lot of body problems and is always complaining. She annoys the heck out of my hot-tempered Mom. There is no person on the earth who makes my mom as angry as Nana does. Mom says she's forgiven Nana for the terrible neglect / abuse the woman put her through at childhood, but sometimes I wonder from just how easily she loses her peace.