The Story of Griffin Hawkins

Prologue

WARNING:

This book is rated PG-13 for strong language, drug/alcohol use, self-harm triggers, minor sexual content.

          This story is dedicated to all the people who suffer from depression.

                                     May you find peace to live with it. 

Prologue

            Cadence lightly knocked on her son's bedroom door. "Honey?" She questioned quietly through the door. "Can I come in?"

            "Yeah, mom." His voice replied.

            Cadence opened the door slowly and peered into his room. Her son of sixteen years sat at his desk, staring at the wall. He glanced back at her as she shut the door behind her. She stared into those similar dark brown eyes that she had fallen in love with sixteen years ago.

            "Your brother is wondering where you disappeared to. He wants you to be there when he opens his presents." She commented, staring at the beautiful son that was created.

            He sighed, "I know, I'll be back down."

            Cadence took a seat on her sons made up bed. She crossed her legs and tucked a strand of light auburn hair behind her ear. She patted the empty spot next to her motioning for him to sit there. He got up and plopped down next to her in a heap. She leaned her head on her hand and looked at him.

            "What's going on? You don't normally hide in your room when there's family over." She told him concerned.

            "It's just..." He trailed off. "You had told me that he wasn't my real dad, but you never did tell me about my biological dad. I'm sixteen now and I want to know." He paused with a distraught look upon his face. "Aunt Lexi told me that I had eyes just like him, but she wouldn't say anything else about him!" He exasperated.

            "Oh sweetheart," Cadence cooed and rubbed her son's back. "I'm sorry I never told you about him. It's just hard, thinking of him brings back a lot of painful memories."

            He sighed and frowned. "Is it too painful to talk about him now?" He ushered and looked at her hopefully.

            She smiled sadly as thoughts of him came rushing back. "I suppose I could handle it." His smile brightened and Cadence felt a pang in her heart at the similar toothy grin.

            "Great!"

            "After everyone leaves, okay?" He nodded. "Now, I believe your brother wants you." He jumped up and bolted out the door. Chatter and laughter filtered into the room from downstairs, as Cadence stared at the doorway. She was going to have to talk about him. She swallowed hard and stood up with a furrowed brow. It was time to tell his story so she could fully let go.

            That was hard to do when her son was the spiting image of him. The way her son laughed, his eyes, his smile, his hair, even the way he looked down when he was extremely happy as he smiled. Cadence felt tears sting her eyes at his happy, smiling face. She smiled sadly before standing up and clearing her mind.

            She went back downstairs with a smile back on her face and any sense of him wiped from her mind. Her husband stood at the foot of the stairs waiting for her. His copper eyes bore into her faltering smile as she came to the bottom. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed her head. "What was that about?" He questioned.

            Cadence gulped, "He wants to know about his dad."

            He pulled back to look her in the eyes. "And?"

            "And he has the right to know all about his dad." She answered looking sadly.

            He kissed her lips; "I know it's hard for you."

            Her shoulders slumped and she looked away. "Yes, but he deserves to know. It's been sixteen years, I think I can manage to struggle through any kind of pain it may bring to make our son happy."

            "Think it'll help? Talking about him?"

            "I hope it can give me some closure."

            They returned to their son's birthday party, laughing and talking with family and friends. Cadence eyed her sister who was laughing with their brother. Lexi just had to remind him of his biological father. She wanted to avoid thinking about him right now, she needed to have her attention elsewhere.

            Later on that evening after saying their goodbyes, cleaning up, and tucking the kids in, Cadence went into her son's bedroom. She had decided that she wanted to tell him alone, without her husband there to hear it, even though he knew most of it. She wanted to tell him with no interruptions from the other kids, just her and him talking.

            Her son looked up from his bed. "It's a long story and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow, dads going to take the kids to your grandma's house, then we'll have the morning and afternoon for me to tell you the story. Okay?" He nodded and gave her the grin that she loved. She returned it with a small smile as she walked near him. She bent down and kissed his forehead. "Get some sleep."

            "Night mom."

            "Night, baby," she said lovingly before she shut his door.

            Cadence walked into the bedroom she shared with her husband. She sighed softly as she shut their door. She was still debating if she was ready to tell this painful story. She knew she had to stop being scared and think of her son.

            "You okay?" Her husband asked quietly as he stood before her, rubbing her arms.

            "Mhm. Time for bed," she grumbled. Her eyes were half closed before she went to sleep entirely.

            The next morning came sooner than expected and before she knew it, her husband was kissing her goodbye. "You call me if you need me, okay?" She nodded. "You don't have to tell him the whole story at once you know." She nodded.

            "I know," She kissed him again before he left.

            She sat down at the kitchen table with a mug of tea and her eager son before her. She stared into the dark brown eyes that were identical to his. It was painful, but she never loved him less. He was the only thing she had left of him; she only wished that he had stuck around to see him grow up.

            She took a deep breath, "It all started when I was twenty-one. I always knew I had depression, but it had never become so extreme like it did that year and for a few after. I was in my third year of college at a university that was very well known across the nation. I was happy to be there, but I was lost. It's hard being in school when you're utterly confused as to where you want to take your life. You start to feel like being in school is pointless and you're wasting your time. I remember that night, that things changed, so vividly. I remember bawling in my room, on my bed, in the dark and I just wanted to die. It wasn't because I was lost, but I also never felt good enough compared to your aunt and uncle. I never felt like I was good enough to do anything, let alone get a degree in what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

            I called your aunt Lexi that night and she calmed me down. She explained that maybe school that quarter wasn't the right thing for me. She told me that I should go talk to someone, a therapist. I had an anxiety attack. I never had one before, I felt like I was dying. I couldn't breathe—I was hyperventilating. I was getting a headache and becoming dizzy from the panic my body was going through. Terrible thoughts clouded my mind and I agreed with her.

            It was group therapy that I met your father." Cadence stated and went into the long story about Griffin Hawkins.