not a dream ; connor franta fanfiction

Chapter 17

CONNORS POV-------------

It was almost late afternoon and I was still laying on my bed crying. It seems weird but I was truly crying. I was so angry at myself. I didn't even get to say goodbye! The very last thing I said to her was "I never want to see you ever again." I regretted everything about that day. I began blaming myself for everything.

If I hadn't have taken her out she would still be alive.

If I hadn't have held her hand she would still be alive.

If I hadn't have yelled at her she would still be alive.

How could I be so stupid! I just wanted to die. Maybe if I died, I would be happy again. Because I'm sure as hell I'll never be happy again. I'm never going to find someone I can hold, love, or trust. If I died would anyone even care?

No, Connor stop thinking about that. Your fans love you.

I snapped out of my daze when my phone rang. It was Jc.

"Hey con da bon." He said enthusiastically.

"Hi Jc." I said not-so-happily.

"What's got you so bummed?" He asked. "You sound like you've been crying."

"That's because I have." I took a deep breath before finally saying, "T-Taylor died yesterday." My eyes teared up at the thought.

"Wait...what?" his happiness faded away. "You're kidding, right? You're just trying to fuck with me."

I sniffled "No. Shes really dead. She was hit by a drunk driver yesterday." I tried not to cry again. "And the worst part is that 15 minutes before she died, I told her I never wanted to see her again."

"Wow...harsh." He said. "Well I'm sorry. When's the funeral?"

"I don't know. I don't even want to go." I said a little bit harsh.

"Why wouldn't you go? She's your girlfriend."

"I can't bare to see her dead body and know that I can never hold her, never kiss her, and never tell her I love her anymore." I said quietly.

"I'm sorry." he said simply.

• • •

(A few hours later) I finally got up out of my room and socialized with my family. Since it was the day before thanksgiving, all my siblings were home. I didn't tell them what happened, but I told my mum and I'm sure that she told them.

As soon as I walked downstairs, my sister Nicola gave me a hug. "I'm so so so sorry about Taylor." She whispered into my ear as she hugged me.

I hugged her back. "Yeah, me too."

My mom was in the kitchen away from everyone else, so i decided to join her because I didn't want anyone else saying Taylor's name otherwise I would break down crying.

"Hi mom." I said as I sat down on a chair and watched her make thanksgiving food for tomorrow.

"How are you holding up?" She asked without looking up from her cooking.

"Not good. If anyone else says her name, I'm going to explode." I exaggerated.

She changed the subject right after I said that. "Her mom called. The funeral is 2 days after thanksgiving. Are you going?"

"I don't know... I'll think."

"I think you should go. Her mom suggested you should give a eulogy."

Seriously?! I'm not doing that! "I said I'll think." I walked out of the room without another word.

I walked into the sun room where my cats were laying on the floor. I laid next to them and closed my eyes.

I miss her so much.

A/N: so I guess this is pretty short but I'm sorry I didn't update, this chapter literally made me cry so I took a 2 day break from it. ALSO: I heard this song that kind of sounds like Taylor and Connors relationship. It's called the Bay by Jon D.

K bye