Kiss And Tell [BoyXBoy]

.:8:.

This time, I stayed the night on my own bus but cuddled into Vic's arms, feeling the rise and fall of his chest. I managed to finally get some sleep, maybe an hour or two, but I could not stand any more. After what happened I did not think that I would be able to sleep at all, but I was so emotionally drained that staying awake was becoming an effort. 

I felt so hopeless. I could not even bring myself to smile anymore, and had to rely on others to keep me away from my thoughts.

It was as if I was trapped in a cage and all it took for me to get out was to scream for help. The problem is: surrounding the cage are hungry lions just waiting to get their paws on me. I had no idea what to do. I knew that, if I stayed in the cage, I would soon die of starvation but, if I got out, there's a high chance that I would die in a more painful way.

In other words, I hated keeping all of this to myself. I knew that, if this carried on for too long, I'd finally burst and let out all of my emotions at once in the most dramatic way. I would not even be surprised if I achieved that by trying to hang myself or something.

Then, there was the other option: to tell someone. There were many problems with that. Firstly, I had no idea who I would tell. Sure, I trusted Vic and Lynn and the rest of my band, but I knew for a fact that they would want to do something about it. This means that Dahvie would find out. And here comes the next problem: I was scared of what would happen if people found out. They would all hate me. I would let so many people down by showing that I was not truly this upbeat, confident rock star they all thought I was. I would be a nothing but a disappointment.

I was feeling so down, like I was close to actually hitting rock bottom.  

Vic left the next morning, as his crew needed him, so I was alone again. This did not help much, as everyone else was still asleep, so I opted for checking my social media accounts in order to get a distraction. I saw that Adam, one of the photographers who was on tour, sent me some cool pictures he took the other day, so I picked out the one I liked most and posted it to Facebook and Instagram.

Over Twitter, I found out that Bryan had posted an uncut version of our interview to YouTube just an hour ago. I decided that, having nothing better to do and desperately needing something to take my mind off what had happened, I should watch it. So I quickly plugged my headphones into my laptop and sunk further into my bunk.

The video started out pretty normal with Bryan hanging out in the hotel room and some banter between him and the camerawoman. Next, Vic and I arrived together. Vic looked good: happy, healthy, cheerful. With me, however, it was a completely different story. At the time, I thought I looked okay, but I really did not.  The bags under my eyes were so prominent I could almost feel them bulging out through the screen. My hair was messy and knotty, like a birds' nest on top of my head. Every smile was so obviously fake it was painful.

Further into the video though, the laughs and grins got more sincere, because I was actually having a good time. As I watched for longer, everything changed. In the background, you could hear the bang of the door being forced open: the moment Dahvie arrived. Bryan and Vic looked a bit confused. On the other hand, I looked like I just saw a ghost. My expression showed nothing but fear. I looked like I was literally scared for my life.

I bit down hard on my lip, watching the part where Dahvie grabbed my arm and harshly pulled me out. I looked so dazed and terrified. Vic and Bryan just glanced between each other, before slightly awkwardly going back to questions.

That was when I had to pause the video and take a long shaky breath. I hung my head and closed my eyes, counting in my head. This method had worked to calm me down before and it worked this time as well.