too young for this { harry styles }

Chapter 34.

~

When you tell someone that you're going to completely start over with your life and run away from the important things, you don't expect that certain someone to the ask "Well, are you running away from me too?"

I didn't know how to answer Harry's question at first. I mean, I spent a whole 7 hour flight with him snoring at my side just thinking about how nobody will be able to find me.

I guess none of us really want to be found when we're in the middle of everything that doesn't matter.

And to tell the truth, I didn't want to run away from Harry. I never did.

It was only when Justin and management and everything -it all just built up to a point where I couldn't take it.

And then I attempted.

I've had my share of second chances and starting overs. The first being when my father and brother both died and people gave me sympathy. Second: when I left school and was bombarded with a world of opportunities. And the third was when I woke up in that hospital bed realizing that I hadn't really killed myself, I just killed that part in me that was holding onto my depression and it's miraculous effect on me.

I didn't want to be depressed. I don't think anyone every does.

It just overcame me like a tsunami upon a tropical island. And after all of the loss and the self hatred, it's not like I was really ever bullied or people didn't talk to me, but it was more like whenever someone was laughing near me I assumed it was at how horrible I am. Or when someone is talking about the personalities they don't really like I feel like their highlighting mine. Even the simplest things, like when someone is whispering or telling me to be quiet or that I shouldn't have done something.

They don't know how badly it hurts me and how it strengthens the monster within my mind.

I can't control it. If there were ever a possibility of controlling it, oh I so would. But, like in all of those sad books where the character you're madly in love with doesn't do something correct or like them, life doesn't work in a perfect manner. You have to constantly try and tell yourself that they don't matter. That they aren't important.

But there's always that part that does.

Harry was snoring at my side as the darkness slowly grew to lightness on the horizon from the planes view.

We'd been flying for only four hours when I grew agitated about not being able to check my twitter feed or constantly look at my notifications for the text messages I'll never receive.

I guess it's both a blessing and a curse of that bittersweet fact that I have the whole world ahead of me.

I remember just after I finished telling Harry what we were going to do, he laughed at me as if I were insane. And I was.

I think there's a part of us both that is yearning for a clean slate when it comes to life and it's bringings. Neither of us can really start over, though.

Whether I like it or not, there with always be people watching. They'll judge you and laugh at you. But your job is to laugh with them.

His skin was illuminated by the perfect sunrise outside of the plane. Face expressionless, he was wincing simultaneously as the plane kept flying in the air. He was just sleeping. His curls were fuzzy and his brows furrowed, but he was just sleeping. The action is so simple it's almost always overlooked. But beautiful people sleeping will never be overlooked.

I don't know how long flights normally are for average people, but sitting on a plane in between Harry and an old Greek man with more hair in his ear than on his head isn't so much fun.