better there than here | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴹᵞᴳ

XV

"I love you, too." Yoongi then answered as he pulled away once again. "but the day you leave, I'll leave as well."

'I'll leave as well.'

'I'll leave as well.'

'I'll leave as well'

...

Yoongi's words echoed through Hoseok's mind. Had Yoongi just really said those words or was Hoseok just imagining things? He had no idea. For a moment, he felt like his life was slowly leaving his body through all the little pores. For the shortest time, he felt like he was once again losing his grip on reality and all he wanted to do was to scream. However, he couldn't. He had to remain calm, he couldn't panic. There was simply no time to and, after all, he had to remain strong for Yoongi. He had promised to keep them save and make them happy, including Yoongi of course, but it seemed like it was getting harder and harder with each passing second. Not only that he slowly got back his dear feelings for the members, but also that he grew attached to them again and they did the same in return, apparently, especially Yoongi. Hoseok didn't really know how to handle the situation. He didn't know what to answer or what to do.

Yoongi would leave with him? What did he mean with that? Questions after questions haunted through Hoseok's mind and a headache grew inside his head within seconds. What if Hoseok would leave, just walk away and never return? Does that mean Yoongi would follow him, looking for a way to get to him? And if he wouldn't find him, does that mean he would kill himself because Hoseok was gone? What if Hoseok decided to try to kill himself again? Would Yoongi do the same? Hoseok wanted to scream once again. He didn't know what to do and even though nothing yet happened, guilt formed inside his belly and finally flooded his whole body.

It was hard for him to hide the turmoil of feelings from Yoongi, however, months of hiding his feelings caused him to master that as well. Yoongi didn't notice at all. Hoseok was simply too good at hiding. He bet he could hide behind a tree and nobody would ever be able to find him. Well, maybe that was a little exaggerated, but thinking about hiding behind a tree kinda pulled his thoughts away from being occupied with thinking about Yoongi and his statement.

However, even though he eventually managed to get his thoughts occupied with something different than Yoongi, the feelings within him were a whole different story. The guilt was growing inside him and taking different shapes. He felt guilty, because if he would leave he would destroy Yoongi's life. He felt guilty, because he would once again destroy the harmony within bts. He felt guilty, because of so many different things. But, was it really his job to care? Why couldn't he do what he planned to do, what he intended to do? Why couldn't he be selfish for once, just once? Of course, he had been selfish while trying to kill himself, but in the end he had survived.

And there, once again, the thoughts returned, taking over every part of his mind. He knew he had to make some kind of a plan or else he wouldn't be able to end what he had started. Yes, maybe the parameters of this whole situation changed, but the outcome still had to be the same. Now it was just like he got into another level in a game, there were new obstacles he had to master. And master them he would. He loved Yoongi with all his heart. He really did love his hyung, and because of that he wanted him to be happy. And, in the end, Yoongi wouldn't be able to be happy with Hoseok. Hoseok needed to leave, he needed to be gone. He would make sure of that, he just knew it. However, the guilt was now his biggest enemy.

ㅡ

Hoseok and Yoongi stayed in the recording studio for quite some more time. Hours passed by, there were many missed calls on their phones, but they didn't care. They spent most of their time together in silence, cuddling, enjoying the other's presence. Hoseok hadn't said anything to Yoongi's previous statement and Yoongi was okay with that. He knew Hoseok was still broken, he knew he shouldn't be expecting too much from the younger, however, he still got some hope left.