better there than here | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴹᵞᴳ

XXII

When Hoseok finally opened his eyes again his whole body felt heavy and he felt drained as a whole. He was surprised by that fact as he was pretty sure he had been sleeping for several hours. He couldn't recall what had happened, and as he looked around the room he was surprised to be in his room, in his bed to be exact. The last thing he could remember was him standing in the hallway near to the entrance to the kitchen, facing an obviously shocked Jimin. He tried to sit up, but he failed. His body was too heavy and he just couldn't bring his limbs to move. His vision was still a little blurry from the sleep, and to be honest he just wanted to go back to sleep as a deep ache shot through his head. He groaned quietly, letting is head roll to his left.

Just then he found Yoongi lying right beside him, obviously asleep as Hoseok could hear his steady breathing. As much as Hoseok wanted to get up just seconds before, he now wanted to never get up again. If he could look at Yoongi's peaceful sleeping state he would be eternally happy, and he would literally give up on everything for it. He smiled softly as he watched Yoongi mumbling something in his sleep. He listened carefully to the elder's soft words, though he couldn't understand anything as nothing about it was coherent. Hoseok just hoped the elder was having a beautiful dream, one that would sooth his soul and his mind. Yoongi really deserved all the peace in the world.

When Hoseok finally managed, after who knows how many minutes, to pry his eyes away from Yoongi's cute face in order to face the ceiling he remembered what had happened earlier that day. Well, to be honest he didn't know if it was still the same day or even how late it was. It must have been late though as no light made its way into the room through the window. The curtains were pulled in front of the window, though if it was still daytime Hoseok should have been able to see at least a bit of light at the edge of the curtains. He sighed quietly as he let his head roll to the other side, looking around the room. He wondered how long he had been there. He remembered the pain he had felt in his body before everything went black around him. He had felt the numbness taking over his body, and the way he was happy to give in to it. It had just been a second, though he remembered the way he welcomed the darkness and the silent promise of not having to deal with anything around him for a while.

He closed his eyes again, and then the memories of the words from his members returned. All of them were in pain, especially Yoongi. A heavy feeling of guilt settled in his stomach and he was sure it wouldn't take long until it would flood his body once again. All of them were in pain because of him. He was the reason for their troubled minds. He now knew what he had been doing to them all this time, knew what he had put them through and he felt terrible. The knowledge that Jimin cut his wrists because of him caused a sob to make it past his lips. He pressed his eyes shut, telling himself not to cry as he would surely wake up his beloved Yoongi. 'Stop you idiot!' he screamed at himself in his head as some more sobs made it past his lips. He tried to keep them down, but it was hard, really hard and he was afraid of failing once again.

He forced his limbs to move. His whole body hurt, but he couldn't stay in the same room as Yoongi, not after he realized what he had caused to the older. How many times had Yoongi been awake, taking care of him as he was unconscious in his sleep? How many times had he been trashing around in his bed, screaming in desperate fear of the darkness that was about to swallow him alive, causing all of the members to stir awake and listen to him in fear? He must have put them through hell, and he could never forgive himself for that. Never.

He finally managed to sit up in the bed, carefully not to wake Yoongi up by either his movements or the sobs. He just had to get out. He got up from the bed in a hurry, but he fell back onto it as his legs gave in. How long had he been in that fucking bed? He took a look back at Yoongi to check if he was awake. Fortunately he was not, and Hoseok tried once again to get up. He actually managed to stand up this and made some steps into the room, but soon his legs gave out again and he fell down onto his knees, bracing himself onto his hands. He panted heavily and he still tried to swallow down the sobs. He shut his eyes tightly again as he just wanted the world to swallow him alive. They were better off without him. He only caused them pain, one way or the other.