better there than here | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴹᵞᴳ

XXIII

It had been days since Hoseok had had the last breakdown. To be honest, it may have already been over a week ago, Hoseok didn't really remember how many days have passed. He had lost track of time, and he didn't care to get back on track. He kinda liked it that way, not knowing which day it was, and just take every day, every hour and every minute the way they came. He enjoyed not paying too much mind to whatever day it was or what time of the day was. He just did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and it made things easier for him because for reasons they kept him from constantly thinking. He knew it sounded strange, but to him it made sense. He also knew his weird behavior was unfair to the others as they tried their best to keep each day as normal as possible, but Hoseok noticed all their worried gazes and he just wanted to escape them.

Not paying attention to time was also a great way to get out of their way, and also to ignore their worried states. Eventually his current weird behavior worried them even more, he knew that, but he tried to pay no mind to it. He knew it was egoistic, but he also knew as long as he wouldn't find a way to get better the others wouldn't get any better too. He owed them to find a way out of all their misery, he just had to find a way. Each day was harder, and each day he gave up on several ideas as they didn't work out in his mind as he played all the possibilities through. Each day his options lessened and he continuously had to ask himself if there was even a point in trying. He knew he had to try at least for them, and trying was what he would do. He had a plan for when there was no other way out anymore, and something at the back of his mind told him that he would sooner or later have to consider taking the last option. The last option was also the easiest option, however also the most painful one. He just didn't know whom it would hurt more, him? Or them?

The night he had talked to Jimin and Jungkook had truly helped him to some extent. It had been good for him to hear that the others thought it wasn't his fault, though he knew better. All of this had been his fault and he remembered himself of exactly that day after day.

He may have lost track of time, but he didn't lose track on reminding himself of all the pain he had caused. Each morning when it slowly started to get brighter outside, he got up from his bed in order to watch the sunrise. While watching the sunset he would remember himself of what he had done to them, what they had said, and then he thought about all the things he could do in order to stop their suffering. The weird thing was ever since he started to do so, the breakdowns stopped and his mind was at some kind of ease even though it still flooded him with information about the best way out. Yoongi, as well as the others, started to look more relaxed when they woke up some hours after Hoseok. Hoseok assumed his nightmares had lessened, or at least toned down. He really hoped they had, because the others deserved to sleep.

Just like all the times before he was watching the sunset when something suddenly changed. Hoseok was lost in his daydreams while watching the sun rise as he heard a scream coming from the bed. He startled, ripped out of his daydreams and turned around to look at Yoongi who was now sitting in bed, eyes wide open and panting heavily. Hoseok knew the second he had heard the scream it had been Yoongi and his heart had dropped to the bottom of his body. He hurried over to the older and sat down beside him. He noticed that Yoongi was shaking and he frowned at that. It was so unlike for Yoongi to have bad dreams and wake up screaming and shaking from them. To be honest when Hoseok thought back he couldn't even remember one time Yoongi had been this distraught from a dream.

Tears started streaming down Yoongi's face and worry flooded Hoseok's body. Hoseok took Yoongi's hands carefully into his, caressing them with his thumbs. When Hoseok reached over to wipe away the tears from his cheeks Yoongi's suddenly flinched and Hoseok startled once again. He was worried the older didn't want his touch, or even his presence, and he was about to pull his hand back as Yoongi suddenly grabbed it and clung onto it like his life was depending on it. While seconds ago only tears had made their way down Yoongi's cheeks he was now full on crying. He sobs tore through the silence of the room and each time they ripped a piece out of Hoseok's heart. He couldn't bear the sounds and he pulled Yoongi into a tight hug out of reflex.

He needed the older to stop crying or he would die. He felt like dying, because seeing the older cry was like the end of the world to him. He needed his smile, he needed his support and seeing Yoongi this way only remembered him again that he had probably been the cause for the elder's current state.

Yoongi grabbed Hoseok's shirt tightly and hid his face at the younger's neck as he kept on crying. Hoseok pulled him closer, leaning his head against the elder's as he started to hum a melody that he hoped would help Yoongi calm down. He felt the way the sobs vibrated through Yoongi's whole body and he just wanted them to stop. Yoongi started to shake a little more and Hoseok assumed he was cold so he pulled the blanked over the both of them, engulfing the both of them into a tight cocoon of warmth. Hoseok pressed kisses to the elder's head and slowly Yoongi calmed down.

Once again Hoseok had no idea how much time had passed by, but he was sure it had taken Yoongi several minutes to finally calm down and just cuddle against Hoseok's chest, some last sobs rocking through his body. Hoseok tried to look into the elder's face, but the latter hid his face and wouldn't look at him. Hoseok wanted to chuckle as the elder behaved like a little childe, but then again he had just been crying like he had never seen him cry before so Hoseok thought it was alright. And to be completely honest, Hoseok would never complain about Yoongi being this close. Actually, if he could he would keep Yoongi this close forever.

When Yoongi finally raised his head to look up at Hoseok, the latter noticed the elder's swollen, red eyes and a stray tear right beneath his left eye. Hoseok wiped the tear away and leaned down to kiss Yoongi's forehead. Yoongi closed his eyes and hummed in contentment, loving the way Hoseok was there for him, taking care of him. Normally he surely wasn't one to let anyone take care of him, but with Hoseok it was different. With Hoseok everything was different, and Yoongi would be the last one to ever complain.

"How are you feeling, hyung?" Hoseok asked in a whisper, almost as if he was scared to startle the older. Yoongi smiled a little before he hid his face at Hoseok's neck again, breathing against the younger's skin.
"I don't know." Yoongi muttered after some seconds passed by. He closed his eyes and just allowed himself to enjoy the way Hoseok was near him, how he was holding him. The last few days Yoongi had been missing the younger even though he had been right there with them. Yet, at the same time he hadn't been with them. His mind had been elsewhere and no matter how hard Yoongi had tried he never managed to get through to Hoseok. It had been like the younger built up a wall around him, trying to shield the others from whatever he was facing. It had frightened Yoongi that Hoseok still thought he alone was responsible for all that had happened. However, what had frightened him more was that Hoseok seemed to know about their pain and tried to protect them from himself. Yoongi assumed Jimin and Jungkook knew a little more about Hoseok's state as they had acted a little different than usually, however Yoongi had been too afraid to ask and find out about the truth. What if Hoseok had heard what they had been talking about that day? After all he had been outside when he had had that breakdown. What if what they had said had caused him to break down? What if their words had hurt him so deeply again they made him think that it was all his fault when it was clearly not?

Yoongi had been worried, well, he still was, and that nightmare he had just reminded him of the fact that he had no idea what he would do if Hoseok would suddenly be gone because he decided to just repeat trying to end it all. Yoongi had barely survived the last time, and he surely wouldn't survive a second time. He needed Hoseok in his life, and he would do anything to help him and make him stay. He just needed Hoseok to share all the pain he was feeling so they'd be able to take up on it together. Hoseok wouldn't have to face the darkness alone, because there were six other people to share the weight with him. Hoseok would never be alone, would never have to be alone, and Yoongi wanted him to know and understand that.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" Hoseok asked quietly, his voice soft and Yoongi felt like melting right there and then. He smiled slightly, closing his eyes again as he nuzzled against the skin of the younger's neck.
"Just stay with me forever." He whispered in return, his arms sneaking around Hoseok's waist, holding him close. He heard Hoseok sighing quietly, but he tried to not pay any mind to it. He knew there were hundredths of thoughts hunting through the younger's mind, and he just hoped one of them would convince him that leaving them, leaving Yoongi was no option.

"I'll always be with you, hyung. One way or another."