Trapped//Phan

Chapter Twenty-Two

A bit of self harm so a minor trigger warning ????

Dan exhaled and walked into the kitchen where his mother was. He hadn't talked to her after awhile, because of- moving on. It had only been a day since Dan agreed to get the apartment, and he still found himself without a regret or guilty feeling. So, did that mean this was the right thing? Dan didn't know, but either way, it was time to tell his mom.

She was standing over the stove, using a wooden spoon to stir the stiff pasta in the boiling water. She seemed calm, minding her own business. Dan watched her for a couple minutes, making sure she wasn't mad at this moment. When he decided she was 'okay' he mumbled "Mom..."

No response. That's how it normally was, she was always in her own world.

"Mom." Dan spoke again a little louder. "Mom?" Dan said it twice just to be sure she heard him, easing his voice the second time he called her.

"Yes?" She responded washing her hands and cutting basil.

"Mom. I- I'm-uh..." Dan was at a loss for words, this was his house. This house contained who Dan was, it had all his secrets, it knew everything. Dan felt a bubble of sadness start in his stomach. He knew he was going to miss this place, no matter how terrible his experience was. He was going to miss it.

"Spit it out Daniel." His mother responded a bit sternly.

"I'm moving out." He deadpanned *Danpanned*.

"You have money?" His mother asked casually, is this was a daily thing. Dan felt conflicted between "Does she not care? Why not?" And "Of course, nobody cares."

"Yeah, I've been saving up for awhile." Sure, the money was supposed to be for someone else, but that's impossible now. "And a apartment with a roommate." Dan added. His mother just smiled and nodded her head. He got his mums stamp of approval. Just. Like. That.

She didn't care. She never asked hi if he was sure, or asked him to stay, she just acted as if she didn't care.

Dan walked up the stairs, each step had a loud and obnoxious creak. Dan just wanted to go his room, because he felt nothing. That's all it was, a big ball of nothing. He hated this. He's tried to cry when he felt like this, or scream, or throw something, but none of it worked. These were his chains.

All he wanted to do was cry, let everything out that he had been holding in, but he didn't have the strength to text anyone, and he didn't have ability to cry. It was like a punishment, torture.

Dan got to his room and threw in a five pain killers in his mouth. Hoping that the it would kill the pain inside, but it never did. Never had any side effects on him either. He swallowed them without a second thought, and was trying to decide if he should eat or not.

Instead Dan reached for his earphones and 'plugged in'. He shuffled his playlist and laid on his bed. Waiting for a song to soothe his mind and make him forget about everything, even if it was just three minutes.

In the crowd alone,
And every second passing
Remind I'm not home

Bright lights and city sounds are ringing like a drone...

Of course. The one time Dan wanted music to forget his problems, the lyrics are about his problems. However, he couldn't force himself to skip the song, so instead he just quietly sang along.

Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts,

He felt each lyric punch him in the gut and spread relief to his chest, he finally felt as if he wasn't alone.

Nothing but time to kill,
Sipping love from bottles,

Dan opened his eyes and thought of his recent events, it's like this song was planned.

Cocaine, dollar bills and
My happy little pill
Take me away,
Dry my eyes,
Bring colour to my skies
My sweet little pill
Tame my hunger,
Light within,
Know my skin.

Dan related to nearly every lyric. It's sad really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dan, they raised the price a bit, still affordable though."

"Okay." Dan agreed mindlessly.

"Okay. Dan. You're absolutely sure about this?" Phil asked. Phil felt guilty, like he was forcing Dan to do something he didn't want to.

"Yes Phil." Empty words.

"Are you absolu-" Phil was cut off.

"Positive." Empty meaning. Dan heard a sharp exhale on the other side of the line.

"Okay. I'll call you later. Okay?" Phil could tell something was wrong, but he didn't want to push Dan. After all, Dan was already upset, best not to push Dan past his limits.

"Okay." Dan responded and hung up. He stared at the ceiling some more, his suicidal thoughts passing his mind, slowly.

"Shut up." Dan mumbled, but the thoughts never stopped, he was never heard unless he was crying. He was kind of glad, because at the end of the day, Dan had nobody but his mind. And although that's the one thing he was at war with, it was the only person-no- the only thing that would never fail to be there for Dan.

Song: My Happy Little Pill
by: Troye Sivan.