trendsetter ☹ matthew e.

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"What if things are different somewhere else?"

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Time passed on, and ultimately I found myself laying in Matthew's bedroom floor covered in a thin sheet of white while my thoughts ran in circles. But, one stuck: 'what if?'

What if I hadn't met Matthew? Would I have still discovered I didn't like girls? Would I be in this situation — Resulting in a shit load of back pain?

My mind swirled with thoughts that I knew I would never have answers to. All these questions would remain unsettled and shoved to the back of my mind to rethink a week from now, if not tomorrow, or the day after that, or even the day after that.

I turned on my side, viewing the blue walls that Matthew and I once colored on and got into trouble for it. His parents never knew mine, nor did they ever ask about them. I'm pretty sure they got the hint that they were unaccepting by the way I'd always avoid any sort of connection with them outside of Matthew's house.

It's scary, actually, thinking of what they had to go through just to live. To actually survive and be in this world and be thought of the way everyone thought of them, is terrifying. They had tons of hate written on their garage door every other week, and their house would be egged on or shot up with toilet paper. It was awful.

I can see why they moved, unless they had some other motive. Who else would want to go through that? People like them.. People like me, really, are so underestimated. I've never experienced it like they did, seeing how I barely realized what I actually was this year, but it's amazing to think that someone's will power is so.. strong, that they can endure that to be in love. To feel loved, and love like everyone else does but with extra bullshit is beautiful.

People speak so ill of them, but is it really that wrong? It feels as if I am just waking up realizing so much wrong in this ordered world that we live in. I don't know who my true parents are, or who my ancestors were. Do I have siblings? Or a GrandMother?

I don't know any of my family tree. Estela and Alex never spoke of other family members, if that could even be possible. Do they know where they're from? Adults seem to know and keep a lot from us these days.

I blink, letting the knowing thought settle in that I know nothing. I know nothing about the world I live in, where I will go, or where I will be any time soon. This is the real world, though, right? We're not just placed somewhere with thoughts of a life we didn't live, right? Or is that how it is?

I sat up, my hands rubbing over my face. I'm not helping myself at all, and I know that..

But, what if? What if there's more to the world than it seems? What if..

What if things are different somewhere else?

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HMMMM
M

I SUX ):

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HAVE A GOOD DAY : NIGHT : AFTERNOONG !

xox, claire