trendsetter ☹ matthew e.

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"Love is the knife Matthew has stabbed me with in this unfair fist fight."

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Day after wretched day had passed on since then. People who I didn't even know the name's of called me name after hurtful name after they found out the cause of my outrageous acts towards a school locker.

In the hallways I would try to rush to my classroom's now, seeing as that I used to meet up with Matthew and talk about random stuff — Now I just get bombarded with ugly looks and question's like: "How does it feel to be a dike?" or "Do your parents know what kind of sin they made?"

At the mention of Matthew, he's been alright I guess. He's met new people — which I'm totally happy about, he deserves not to be involved with me — I know he thinks this too, seeing how he doesn't even send me a glance in school or outside of it.

Tanaya won't acknowledge me either. It's like the both of my only friend's have just completely abandoned me like a car out of gas — Or maybe they've only parked me on the side of the road, and got out to get gas. Either one, I am utterly alone now.

My soul is starving with desperation, wondering why the days and nights have become so meaningless in life when I've just lost two of my closest friends. I know it's not the end of the world, but I don't give a damn, I am so alone in this house and I do not understand how I am seen as a play toy to mess around with just because I am a single human being in god's green earth that loves the opposite gender.

The little things add up. Eventually they turn a small cut into a chasm too deep to climb out of without help — but it never comes. You expect people who say "I love you" To be in your life forever, or at least until you die — but it's all bullshit. They all leave in the end. Especially the ones who say "I love you."

Love is the knife Matthew has stabbed me with in this unfair fist fight. He does not understand the pain I feel when I see him moseying around with one of each of his new boyfriend's, parading them around as if they were trophies.

My pain has become nothing more than knitted camouflage. People have used their keyboards as catapults directed towards my heart, using their fingers like flint as they scraped them to start a fire in the decency i call my heart. They stab their words into my skin, using computers or phones for eyes and wires for bones.

My parents use their barbed wired smiles to keep me in and quiet, making sure I am nothing more than happy — when in reality I am not. It's like they are cheering on rage, not knowing that the message board on my phone is advertising hate and cruelty.

I am stuck in this house like glue, wondering what it would be like to never ever have loved a boy. To never have ever even loved at all.

"Honey, is something wrong?"

Estela snapped me out of my depressed daze. I look across the table to see Alex sending me a glare that carved itself into my brain. I sent both of them a fake smile, my eyes looking down towards my plate to see I haven't touched a thing.

"No, I'm fine. Just not that hungry," I told them both, looking back up to meet Estela's eyes. "May I be excused?"

Estela frowned. "Yes, you may be excused. If you need anything don't hesitate to ask."

"Thanks. Goodnight mom's, I love y'all." I sent them another fake smile.

Estela was the only one who replied with an I love you as I walked towards my room, not bothering to look at Alex again. I changed into my pajama's and laid down on my bed, getting ready for sleep to overtake my sad mind.

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This chapter got way too fucking deep but idc it's the truth.

I LOVE YOU!!

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT: DAY/ AFTERNOON

xox, claire