Saved (Adopted by Josh Hutcherson)

Ch.9: I Should've

~Jen's PoV~

"Jen, don't say that." Josh says to me. "Get out." I say, but it feels like gravel. I don't hear him say anything, but I hear his footsteps. He pauses for a moment but then continues. I continue to stare at the wall. I hate everybody, myself more than anyone. The PR is gonna love this. I need to get on a plane back to California. 

"Hello, Jennifer." I hear a chirpy voice say. I wish I was dead. It'd be so much easier if I was dead. I lost my baby. I lost my will to live. I just wish things were different. I feel bad that I sent Josh out because he has to go get me some new clothes for me to leave in. 

"I guess you aren't one for words, but your injuries are not that bad. You've had a blood transfusion. You should be ready to leave in a couple of ours. A couple of doctors and I have discussed that we think it's best if you head back to your home and get plenty of rest and take a few days to grieve. We are so sorry for your loss." The scrub clad lady says. That last sentence resonates in my memory. We are so sorry for your loss. They know barely anything about me. 

Weeks pass by and nothing gets better. I stay in bed most of the time, hidden under the white comforter. I'm staying with Josh again. Christina comes in and checks on me every few hours. I wish I could be there for her, but life has showed me that I could never be a good mother and that everything I touch I destroy. 

I think about swallowing all of my medication at once, but something stops me. I don't know what exactly because there is no use for me anymore. It's like I'm already dead, but I'm still breathing. I don't find joy in waking and I don't find peace in sleeping when it's only full of nightmares of blood running down my pants. 

They gave me two weeks off of filming. I just told them I had the flu. If anyone found out then I'd be in every single headline there is to imagine and I wouldn't be able to handle that. Two weeks isn't enough when everything that you've ever felt seems to have melted away. 

I don't eat anymore. I've lost almost 5 pounds in a matter of 4 days. When I do eat it's a few spoonfuls of soup. I've got a headache that won't leave from dehydration and it hurts to move so I just don't.

Why am I doing this? Why am I putting Josh through this? It only reminds me of how much of an awful person I am. I'm in bed moping and Josh and Christina are making there best effort to help, but I just can't do anything. I can't just act like everything is okay. I can't live like this.

A/N Sorry for the VERY slow updates! Christmas Break is coming up soon so YAY!!!! I love you all and I hope you have Happy Holidays, no matter what religion you are!!! If you pray, please pray for the families in need this holiday season and Aleppo. Have a great day!