secrets.

(poems explained)

i've published lots of shit in this collection called Secrets and i don't exactly know why you read them (they're Quite Sad and while i like to read things to make me feel melancholy i don't want anyone to feel that way because of me and so, appreciative as i am, i don't recommend it)

i mostly write my things so i don't mark my arms and thighs and stomach (it doesn't always work but i do recommend that because it helps more than it hurts) and i also write because i need help. plus i'm rubbish at poems so looking on rhymezone always takes a lot of time so then i forget to cut by the time i've finished my poem.

i'm close to 16 years old as of the end of 2016. i'm an asexual (i don't label my romantic attraction) cis white female with a horse and a mostly loving family and clean, running water.

i have a life that many look up to and i suppose i'm not ugly (although that's subjective so i don't think i'd ever consider myself one way or the other. beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, after all, so it doesn't matter if i think i'm pretty or if he thinks i'm not because there will always be someone attracted to me as well as someone who is not).

what i'm trying to say is that i have quite a good life and i still find it in me to be sad and mutilate my body and want to die and write angsty poems for wattpad.

and this has gone on for 4 years (my counselor says when it's been so long, it's more likely clinical than situational which i already knew but it makes me realize that maybe i shouldn't blame myself for throwing away such a wonderful life by being ungrateful) and i'm only just getting help and i still want to die but slightly less.

i'm here to explain some of my poems, because i feel that if you can relate, you'll like them more. i'll add to this chapter with each significant poem i post.

Her Story

basically, this girl spends her whole life pretending to be so so so happy and then bam she snaps and tries to kill herself and all of her people are shocked and try to help her and she is just angry because if they really wanted to help, they'd let her die

Final Plea

just me questioning my happiness again on a road trip. i don't particularly like this one

My Thighs

i told my Person about my cutting and yet when she saw my scars she was so shocked and this is my response to that

My House Feels Less Like Home

my younger brother is emotionally abusive and this is my writing about it. i actually mostly like this one, except the "warmth of my safe zone" line because i don't like most words with z in them

Semicolons

a friend noticed me drawing a semicolon and asked me about it, and then she was shocked when i flat out said i was suicidal. she checked my wrists and was so so so relieved when i didn't have visible scars but haha jokes on her because i had fresh cuts on my thighs

What They Say. What I Say.

me exploring the contrast between society's beautified version of depression and teen suicide and what its really like. hard to understand because of the pace but i like it because it's different. what i left out was not being motivated to keep up with personal hygiene and homework and your social life. no one should want to be depressed. bonus because i considered calling it it is but the title i settled on was more descriptive

Lambs

for a while i thought i was in love with my best friend but she's an insomniac and i'm severely depressed and suicidal so i don't particularly want to start anything with her. this was my way of telling her that. i don't really like it, but it exists, so whatever

December

honestly i'm so proud of this one. i love the style of how it mirrors on itself (how i used the same rhymes but backwards in order) and even though that was partly laziness it turned out so good and i feel that the message i'm trying to convey (maybe you understand it (if so i'm very sorry) and maybe you don't) really got across. also i dont think i've ever made such a blatantly obvious but also very vague poem and i'm honestly just loving it right now.

Saying Goodbye Is Hard..

i wrote this days after i said goodbye forever to my first love. there wasn't a fight, we just fell out of love. we started to resent each other, and so we called it quits. i don't miss her. i don't love her. i don't want her back. that's why i wrote marie and maye the way i did. they don't miss the days they had each other because those memories are plagued with bad thoughts. so that's what i did. saying goodbye is hard, even if you don't love them anymore.

Rhymless and Emotion-Full

honestly this was about how, despite the fact that I've cut every tie I had with her, I just can't delete her from this godforsaken site because her poems are so beautiful and they help me remember that we were too, once upon a time.

Stereotypes and How to Break Them

look this was long but my point is this: dress however you want. don't let people tell you s h i t about how you're expected to dress. if ya want to wear something revealing, do it. if ya want to wear sweats and a baggy shirt, fucking do it! fuck stereotypes and double standards and all the shit we're pressured into conforming to. just. fuck it.

hope

i wrote this as i accepted that the boy who i've had a crush on since i met him (the boy who flirts with me and who might have asked me out but i dont know because i told myself he didn't because im not good enough for him, im not good enough for her, I'm l not good enough) doesn't dream of my like i dream of him and i need to stop dreaming

yea but i'll add to this as the book expands. maybe one day i'll publish it but it's quite unlikely because i'll want to add more poems and then i'd have to start a new book and then i'd have to wait until i have 100 poems and stories and then i'd be shel silverstein and i wouldn't like all of them so i don't think i'll publish it but one way or another, this is my book. enjoy.

oh also if you want a poem explained hmu i'd be happy to tell you what i tried to convey with them because i know i don't do a good job but w/e i tried