secrets.

Permanence

I've never believed in permanence.

Not object permanence necessarily. You can't really deny what you can see.

But other forms or permanence. Like relationships. Emotions.

I won't be depressed permanently. Someday I'll die. Someday I'll go on antidepressants. Someday I'll miraculously feel better, unlikely as it is.

I won't keep my relationships permanently. Someday we'll lose touch. Someday they'll die. Someday I'll start to hate them.

This has always been how it is. Always. I never, ever believed you were permanently anything. That's why I so strongly believe people change. In fact, I've seen people change. Mature, develop new interests and goals, show traits they never showed before.

But I was so shocked when our relationship ended. Now I can't say I know what we ever were.

Best friends? Close friends? Lovers?

But I can say that I love you. Loved you, anyway, romantically or otherwise.

I shouldn't have been so broken up about it. About us coming to a close. But I was, and I can't believe myself. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I knew we would end. We'd never get married or live together much as I want to go back to you and beg for forgiveness (Which is a lot. I really think I fucking love you.) despite never having made a mistake.

But, I'm still hurting. I'm still confused. I'm still lost.

I'm still going back and forth and forth and back, reading and rereading our last messages, wishing and yet not wishing that I had worded my goodbye differently.

But still, I'm happy that we've gone our seperate ways. I'm proud that we could see when our relationship became unhealthy. I'm so fucking proud of you, so in love with you, so accepting and supporting of your decision to look out for yourself. I'm so, incredibly, unbelievably proud of you.

You made the right call. Thank you for doing what I never could.

Sincerely,
c. e.