secrets.

hi again.

I think I got too close.

Too close to leave, anyway,

Too close not to fight like hell to stay.

I didn't realize it at first, because it was so innocent no one would have. It was so fun, so sweet, so rose-tinted that I just couldn't pull away, even when we started to grow, and it changed.

It changed, all at once, because she was pretty and I was lonely and hurting myself and she helped me (or tried to, anyway) and it was such a fucking shock that I think it pushed me, and I fell.

And she was there. She was there to make sure I kept my promise, (even though I didn't).

But she didn't know that, didn't need to. No one fucking knew, which is my fault, and it still fucking is, and I should have kept it and I didn't because I was weak and I still am and this is my fault.

I had this secret that I couldn't share with her, the only one of its kind, and she was so oblivious.

And this sickening part of me liked it, liked that I was special, that I wasn't boring because that's the worst thing to be, right?

And then she went away for a while and we talked every day but it wasn't the same, of course it wasn't, we missed each other and our imaginations swam past what they ever did, what we had ever allowed and she had this fucking idea which was so scary and exhilarating all the same.

And it changed something, because then we could kiss on top of everything else, and it wasn't long before she found out this fucking secret of mine, and I don't know how but everything spiraled down, down, down, into oblivion and it just kept getting worse.

What was I supposed to do but run away because that's all I know, run, hide, I'm weak in the face of change and she knew it and she didn't do anything about it and she didn't have to and that's the hardest part.

And she was gone, all of a sudden, and I forgot how to function like a human because I was so dependant on her presence.

So we were apart.

And I had to rebuild the pieces of myself that I'd molded to make more room for her, and bit by bit I became a real person.

Bit by bit by bit.

Then I found someone new, and she found a nice boy, and we came back together and it was so much softer than it ever was, so much more hesitant, because we were determined not to let it get so bad again, even if it meant it was never as great, either.

We walk on eggshells and avoid certain topics and try not to say anything about my secret or what had happened before we broke apart.

Being apart from her was a blur, my mind had tripped over itself more times than I could count and it all melds together like a dream that you try so hard to recall.

Now we're back, though, and it feels... horrible, kind of.

Like I'm suffocating, because I can't have it the way it should be.

The way it was.

When we giggled and swam and cuddled and kissed she would laugh because my heart was racing and she could feel it and she'd kiss me again, just because she could.

I want to go to a park and run around in the grass and gush over dogs and get those stupid candy bars with the names on them and hold them up and take pictures.

She's so fucking addicting and I want my high.

I know it wouldn't be good, and it would all happen again, and we'd be heartbroken, and she doesn't even want it anyway because she's in love with someone who she deserves so fucking much, who makes her happy, and I am too, and I know it and most of my wants this new life of mine, but the loudest part, the smallest part, wants her back.

Every part of me aches for her and I feel so horrible about it, because the girl I love now is so fucking perfect.

I love her, I do, but first loves are a bitch to get over and I'm still trying so hard and I feel like a monster for not giving this girl all she deserves.

I saw the first moments with her. Those plastered, romanticized candid shots of her that she allows the world to see.

And then we grew close, and I saw it all fade away, and suddenly she showed me this whole new world of her, and she seemed so tangible, and I was so in love with her but I couldn't say so because what if she hated me for it or didn't want us to change?

And then everything fell apart. Now I'm back to knowing that half-of-a-human self that she shows the world and I miss her I miss my friend and I don't even want that other bullshit she'd suggested, I don't want the kisses, don't want the emotional detachment, don't want the oversharing, over caring, overdone fucking everything.

I just want it to be right only there are so many obstacles and I don't know how to get there.

Nothing is right. Nothing is right. Nothing is right.

I'm in love, and she's in love, and we're happy, but I want to go back to that intoxicating time we spent when we talked every day and didn't have to worry about the rest of the world caring about us.

God, I'm such a fuckup.

I have a girlfriend who I love, and yet I still let myself fall back into that warm embrace of memories that I should have burned already.

I just wish I could forget about it, really, because then this nostalgia wouldn't be so suffocating, and I could live my life in the moment and enjoy it because I do enjoy it, that's the thing.

These memories are hurting me more than I'd ever hurt myself.

Fuck her for making me miss her.

Fuck her for being so sweet and understanding, for telling me it's okay to relive these memories, because it is, even though it doesn't feel this way.

Fuck. I can't even hate her.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I'm okay.

It's okay, everything is okay.

I'm happy.

I'm in love with a girl who actually loves me back, who cares about me and who I care about.

My best friend is so funny and sweet and lives so fucking close and lets me come over whenever I need it.

And she's still in my life, and she's kind and gentle, and it's okay that it's not the same as it was, right, because the way it was had been a disaster and I don't want that.

I don't eat enough, and sometimes I hurt myself, and most nights my mind wanders into those thoughts that I fight to avoid.

But that's alright, because healing doesn't happen all at once, and I have so many people who stick around to help me get there.

Fuck.

I'm so lucky.