secrets.

Me

This is for her. From me. I'm sorry.

In Januaryof 2016 I tried to kill myself for the very first time. When you found out you weren't too happy with me.

Sophomore year for me was very difficult. I lost my dog, which triggered that first suicide attempt, and then you stopped talking to me for a while because of it. It hurt to have lost both of my constants. My best friend and you. I thought you were done with me forever, and I blamed myself entirely.

And then you came back. You said you forgave me and that as long as I'm never wear enough to try it again you'll love me.

And then 11 months came to pass and we weren't the same. We barely talked really, and I wanted our old relationship back but I couldn't have it and I was weak and I tried to kill myself again and you didn't too much like that.

You told me I was weak, you told me you don't want me to drag you down with me. You told me there was no place in the world for someone who could be so weak as I was only bringing the world down and, well.

You told me to try again, and get it right this time.

And then you left me for good.

I was devastated. I caught myself blaming myself quite a lot, even though now I know it wasn't my fault. I fell into probably the worst few months of my life. I cut myself a lot. I dove head first into my schoolwork and didn't allow myself to have anything else because if I made new friends, if I branched out too far, they'd hurt me like you did.

So I ended up graduating a year and a half early. I didn't walk in graduation or do any sort of ceremony because for me, graduation wasn't a good thing. It meant I didn't have anything left to distract me and I had to focus now on reality.

And the reality was, the past few months that I spent blocking out my thoughts unless I was cutting was the worst of my entire life.

I missed you like crazy. I thought about reaching out, apologizing to you, wishing I didn't fuck up like I did. But I'm glad I didn't.

At the time my next door neighbor was kind of inserting herself into my life. I pushed and I pushed and I kept her as far at arm's length as I could because I couldn't take that kind of pain again. 

I'm still so afraid of having another few months like that. I can't handle the thought of it. I can't imagine my friends breaking me like you did. I don't think I'd make it through that again.

I'm still so closed off and afraid and I hate this, I hate what you've done to me.

I wish I'd never have gone through what you put me through because it still hurts me so much.

Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I miss what we had before it went sour. Sometimes I hate myself for being so weak and so stupid.

I hate what you've done to me.

I have a girlfriend I love now, and she always tells me she's here to stay. Sometimes I don't believe her. Most of the time she makes sure I do.

My neighbor no longer lives across the street, but her forcing her way into my life, fighting tooth and nail to grow closer to me, really paid off. She saved my life in a way I didn't expect from another person and I'm always appreciative of that.

She was there for me, and my girlfriend too. They saved my life. The one you almost ruined.

So fuck you, and fuck everything you did to me. I wish I'd never have met you.