secrets.

if you can find it in yourself

i could never permanently get rid of something —

someone.

i'd still think about it from time to time —

think about her.

maybe not with that same love that i did when i had it —

when i had her.

maybe not even with any feeling at all.

it's gone, and i know that, i knew that when i said goodbye —

she's gone.

i let it go, and it's thriving without me, and that's fine, that's great —

she's thriving.

i need to remind myself that she's thriving —

even if she's not.

because i could never really get rid of something.

i could never just turn myself off from it.

i could never stop thinking about it.

writing about it.

even drawing it, though rarely now as i must do so from memory.

it's the reason im so terrified of getting close.

it's the reason im so terrified of sharing, and of telling someone —

im drowning, or at least i wish i were —

because i scared her away with it,

so why wouldn't i scare someone else away as well?

but even with the damage she's done to me —

though not maliciously of course —

i could never completely forget.

i could never be bitter to her,

or turn her away when she needs me,

or stop thinking about her,

or stop writing about her,

or stop flinching whenever i hear her name.

because i will never be one

who can just forget someone —

something.

i will never forget it.

i will always look upon the time i had it

fondly. i will never poison its memory

with bitter words and vicious thoughts.

and i will never turn it away.

because i cherished it,

and i could never stop.