secrets.

Au Revoir

A Letter To Ms. You Know Who You Are:

I'm angry.

Why? Because you abandoned me.

And it wasn't some emotional, long conversation where we mutually decided to go our separate ways. It wasn't you sitting me down and telling me, face to face, that I was bringing you down or that you didn't feel happy in this relationship anymore.

You decided to ignore me. For more than two weeks. You decided that I wasn't worth an explanation or that I would be okay with just being dumped like the scum at the bottom of your shoe. I understand cutting toxic relationships out of your life. (I did that to you once, remember? And then we fought for each other and we were stronger than ever. But this time, I can't fight, and you don't want to.) I know that, no matter how incredible it had once been, our relationship was no longer healthy. I know that it was crashing and sometime, we'd have to face it.

But the fact that you decided to "face it" on your own without any warning to me (Which is ok. You can take a couple days to think things through but it would have been nice to know what was going on in my own damn relationship.) and then mentally debate telling me that you had decided to cut me out of your life and ultimately decide not to was downright offensive.

That's not okay. I deserve better than that and you fucking know it.

I'm scared.

Isn't it funny how you can feel so many emotions at once?

Well, there's this one. Scared, because I depended on you for almost four years of my adolescent life. You were my Person.

I told you about the people I had crushes on. I told you about the time my crush kissed one of my friends (which sucked but it was nothing compared to this). I told you about my emotional breakdowns and my family problems and my fucking dog dying and my fucking mental health turning to shit.

I told you fucking everything. I told you, and only you. And everyone else, I told about you. Because I depended on you. Sometimes I think I still do. After all, I'm still thinking about you, right? I'm still thinking about the shit you put me through and sometimes I think if I didn't have you in my mind, I'd be empty because I would have no one to channel my emotions towards.

And, I'm scared because my friends are fake. All but you (well, no. Fuck that. You were the fakest of them all, you were just reallyfuckinggood at acting so it didn't matter as much). And I felt so comfortable with you (four years of hard work will do that) and now I have to Feel Comfortable all over again with someone else. That's a lot of work for me, the bitch with abandonment issues and social anxiety.

So I'm scared because now I don't have anyone to depend on and I'll have to learn to stand on my own two feet and then I'll have to find someone to help me sometimes and that's fucking terrifying so fuck you for that.

I'm sad.

Quite Sad is a better way to put it, because that's just exactly what I am.

Once I dig beneath the anger, and the fear, and that ever so slight relief, I'm sad. And that's a large portion of my feelings about this situation. I'm sad, because we were so damn good together. I'm sad, because we were happy (mostly) and I don't understand why I, a girl who has enough damn problems, would have this one on top of that.

Is this my story? Is this what I'll tell my daughters and sons when they go through their first heartbreaks and mental breakdowns and pain? That, hey, when I was 15 and suicidal and under a lot of strain from my honors classes and learning to drive and graduating early and owning a horse and my brother was abusive and my dad and I's relationship was in shambles and I just wanted to die, my best friend/technically first love abandoned me and I'm okay now but it fucking sucked for a while? Is this why it's happening? So I can become a "stronger person" and someday pass that on to future generations?

Or maybe it's because we'll be friends again and our relationship will be stronger than ever. Only, I don't see that ever happening, because fuck you to say the least. After seeing this side of you (the side that can abandon me for two weeks and not giving me an explanation until I force you to), I don't want you in my life.

But you know what, maybe it doesn't matter. My sadness. My fear. My anger.

I doesn't matter in the long run. This is how I'm getting over you. Writing, and wishing, and hoping, and then crushing that hope, crushing those wishes because no matter how much that little voice screams for you, the smarter, larger voice doesn't want you anymore. And it never will again. Hopefully, anyway, maybe it'll be stupid again someday.

Someday, I will look back on my sadness, and my fear, and my anger and I will remember how much it didn't matter. Right now, that sounds stupid to say because this is significant. This is lasting. This is painful. This will leave scars and deepens ones that were already there (does that mean two things?). And you know what?

That's fucking okay.

So, love from the girl you abandoned. Best fucking wishes from that girl because no matter how much I hate you, I love you. And I always will. (Even now, when I hate you.) And you know what, I hope you never forget.

Even when you've found someone new (well, no, you have plenty of people who stole my role in your life even when I still had it, but you know what I mean), or realized being with me was a mistake (no, you've already done that), or whatever else you'll do to try and forget me. I hope you never fucking do.

And I want to admit something before I go.

I don't think I was in love with you. I think, when I was with you, I adored you. I liked that you cuddled with me, and I liked that you almost kissed me a lot. And I liked that you liked me. But when we were apart, I hated you, and I regretted leading you on because we'd never be more than friends, not really.

So, no, I wasn't in love with you. And I wasn't jealous. I had no one but you in my life to be my best friend. You had more than me. That upset me. But that wasn't jealousy. Jealousy is getting upset when people flirt with you (which didn't upset me. It made me happy because if you got with someone, you'd stop flirting with me nonstop).

But, anyways.

Au Revoir.

i decided not to play with words and write a poem for this one. this is just emotional brain spill, honestly, so enjoy it babes.