secrets.

who am i/update

i guess i keep forgetting that y'all don't wholly understand what those metaphors mean, and the poems are hard to understand unless you're living my life. so here, I'll explain it.

i have a plan. a date, a place, a time.

in 6 years, i'll kill myself.

i've been ill. with a cold, i think, and it's absolutely miserable but i can't find it in me to care because in 7 years i'll be dead and gone so whatever.

i haven't cut in a while. the last i cut was a few weeks ago, which is a pretty good stretch of time, and that was just a word on my thigh. nothing huge or flashy like i've been.

my service dog is doing great in his training. he's successfully doing dpt, as well as interrupting​ my scratching (oh yea, i recently started scratching my hands and it's really cracking/scarring the skin). he's pretty much picked up his public access work 100% and we have a vest on the way so we'll be able to familiarize him to that and teach guide tasks. all in all, he's doing great.

im not. hahahaha segues. anyways yea i've been dissociating a lot, getting lost, spacing out, not paying attention in general. it's getting bad. really bad.

i stopped seeing my therapist. she wasn't helping anyway, just annoying me for an hour and asking why i was tearing up when i talked about my mental illness.

as if that's a question you should ask. you're the damned professional.

i've been much more open about my mental illness (not the details, just that i am mentally ill) so people have done the same with me. i have a lot of friends who are mentally ill.

hopefully my brother doesn't read this, because he doesn't like what my mom has to say about his relationship and i dont want him to know i agree. sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together, and it looks like that's all they have. im worried.

and im worried about me. i get too attached too fast, and yet im distant. i haven't been close to anyone since she abandoned me, forgot me, and yet i keep such a huge circle of acquaintances.

i dont feel comfortable with them. i dont talk to them like i talked to her. i don't think that's healthy, but what else am i supposed to do? latch on to someone and pour my heart out to them and watch them run for the hills?

hell no. im not losing someone else.

another thing, my horse was diagnosed with highly progressed navicular so i have decided not to retire her. she's now in use as a child's gymkhana horse plus pretty intense treatment.

even that's pretty hard for her. i feel awful, and even worse, i feel relieved.

tl;dr

i dont have Real friends. i dissociate, self harm, and scratch my hands to the point of bleeding. my service dog is still in training and my horse is unrideable. i want to die, im ready to die, i pray for death and i wish i was brave enough to just do it but i still have 6 more years.