Bleed Me Dry

The Aching

"Everybody knows what the aching means. Nobody wants to belong. Somewhere in between what you wanted, and what you didn't want." The Aching, Broken Twin.

Millie

The crust in my eyes I when I wake up is enough for me to wish I could die here right now. I slowly mope myself out of bed wishing I never had to leave. I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how ugly and unlovable I am. This is my daily routine, to stare at my baggy purple eyes and tell myself I'm a failure.

I've had maybe two boyfriends in my life, neither of them were very serious relationships, I work at a diner, and I live alone in a town called Wall. I don't think a life could be more pathetic than mine. I don't have any close friends, I come home to my books where the characters in them are the best friends I could ever really have. I'm 30 years old, by this point in my life I should be married living in a tiny but cozy house with beautiful little children. I ache to have this life, I worked hard for that life but it never happened. I grew up normally, white picket fence, parents who loved me and a protective older brother who supported me in everything. Somehow I lost it all.

I've lived in Wall my whole life, I went to Monmouth University but I never really had the motivation to move away and get a real job after college. My parents moved closer to my brother in Boston when I was 21. When my brother died they didn't have the heart to come back home. It's too hard for them to be near me because we looked so much alike. Not even my parents can love me anymore.

It took me awhile to wake up and realize my life was boring. If I could go back and do it again I would, but that is not how life works. I'm just trying to take it one step at a time, taking in each breath with aches in my chest that I wish would go away. I wish I could be more than what I am, I wish I could be the kind of girl who walks into a room and demands everyone to love her.

No one will ever love me because I'm a boring failure with no interesting parts to me. I think about the little girl I used to be, the one that played with her brother laughing about something stupid he probably said. Back then I never thought about the future or the past, I lived in the present. I hope one day I will live like that again.

I go to work with the best plastered smile on my face I can work up. It's just Gia and I working today. Gia has guys calling her all the time. She probably has STD's because she sleeps with so many guys but at least she's happy. Gia is so young and full of life with that thick blond hair and hazel eyes. When I look at her I see the girl I so desperately want to be.

Every part of me aches deep within my bones the pain gets worse everyday. I've lost so much weight recently, probably because I have no motivation. I move slowly through the diner wincing every step I take.

"Are you okay Millie?" a customer asks.

"Oh I'm fine just a little sore," I tell him.

I feel a weakness come over me, I see a faint glimpse of the floor before everything goes black.